Matheson receives stunning blow - job in jeopardy

By Beef Lynx, our Showbiz Reporter

matheson0BBC Scotlandshire is proud to announce that, after two months of public voting and the emergence of several very strong contenders for the Anti-Scottishness awards, this year's prestigious Union of Scottish Unionist Quislings (USUQ) award has been awarded to none other than Glasgow Council leader, Gordon Matheson.

Gordon can add this wonderful USUQ award to the Local Politician of the year Award given to him in 2012 by the Herald Newspaper. It will look lovely on his mantlepiece when he's poking the grate.

Sadly, Cllr Matheson is unable to accept the USUQ award in person as he has taken a vow to keep his mouth closed in public, from now on, we understand. However, Gordon did make this short film for us earlier: "Mmmm nmm mmm um gobble gobble mm nmm umm nmm mmm! Chap, chap, chap. Gulp. Cough. Yes officer - how can I help you?"

Fortunately, we have fellow Glasgow Labour councillor Seezat Broon-Envelope who will accept the award on Gordon's behalf. Seezat...

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am very proud indeed to be accepting this USUQ award on behalf of my friend and colleague, nay mentor, and exemplary leader of Glasgow Council, George Matheson.

"What Can I say about Gordon? First, he is a true unionist. He not only preaches that we are Better Together, but he practices it as well, particularly at the weekend after a few nippy sweeties (laughs).

But it is as a SLAB politician that Gordon really excels. He not only screws THE public in Glasgow, but he screws IN public in Glasgow as well. That's what I call a true Labour leader.

matheson3"Recently, Gordon has been totally absorbed in the plans for the renovation of George Square. He was desperately keen to have the statues moved away from outside the window of his office, but has now changed his mind. Apparently he has a thing about public erections.

"But, Gordon has always been a beacon of public morality, a faithful husband and friend, sniffing out lewdness and depravity wherever he can. Recently he has been investigating the seamier side of Glasgow for himself.

"Gordon told me he has discovered that dogging was rife in the city's South Side. He couldn't tell me who was involved, or exactly how deep it went, but he was determined to find that out for himself.

"When he discovered just how big it was, he was shocked. He told me it would be a hard one to swallow, but he would take it like a man, on the chin. It seems that is just what he was doing when the police chapped on the window of his car.

I have a short note here from Gordon himself, which he would like me to read out on his behalf. It begins: 'I'm sorry I cannot be there in person to accept this wonderful award, because I was gagged and bound.'

"That can't be right. Just let me put my glasses on. OK. 'I'm sorry I cannot be there in person to accept this wonderful award, because I gagged and was bound OVER.' That's better."

Watching tonight's award ceremony was last year's USUQ winner, Ian Davidson MP, chairchoob of the Scottish Affairs committee for Politicians Imitating Little Englanders, Sitting Opposite Furious Scotlandshire-Hating Idiots from a Truculant England. He told us:

"Wee Gordy is quite a man, right enough. Ah heard he wis up fur a starrin role in 'Kerry oan Kerbcrawlin', so ah did. But, in the end, it turnt oot he hud a wee part in a few different places.

"Bit at least he goat aff wi it, so that's aw right. Mind you, wi the things some ay they Glesga cooncillors get away wi, there wis hee haw chance ay a man in Gordy's position gettin liftit fur a toty wee thing like that. Nuthin wrang wi a wee bit ay political clout, if ye ask me.

"It dis make you wonder how his new marchin pals'll take it, though. They're no usually too laid back aboot this kinny thing"

Leader of Labour in Scotland Johann Lamont was unavailable to comment as she was very upset to hear that Gordon had shelved his plans for a £15 million redecoration of the roof of her Glasgow bunker.


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