Big Ishoo condemns BBC Scotlandshire reader poll
By John Poultice, The World's Only Psephological Super-Hero
In our latest poll we asked "Which is the best campaign slogan for SLab candidates?" and 35% of you suggested "Big Issue! Get your Big Issue here!"
Publishers of Big Ishoo (Scotlandshire) responded with fury when we asked them to comment.
"Homelessness is no joke", they said, "which is why we were really pissed at Morphy pulling out of publicising the charity, because of potential political embarassment. Contrary to popular belief, homeless people can vote, if they provide a temporary address - and we'll make sure that address is in bloody Giffnock!
"For your readers to then suggest that we would give house room to unemployed politicians is ridiculous.
"Other charities exist for that purpose, particularly the House of Lords red benches where they can happily doze away their remaining years."
More importantly, Mr Morphy has announced (yet again) that he intends to stand again for Westminster, so a new campaign strategy is required to ensure that as many Tories as possible vote SLAB in May. Worse, the bastirt says he's not paying me for that last poll!
However, in the interests of professional impartiality, I'll report the results anyway, just to show him that his earlier suggestions were crap.
Only 10% of the sample thought that continuing with the "SNP bad/very bad" slogan was worthwhile. Indeed only a further 16% approved of any slogan mentioning the SNP at all.
Opinion was divided over the options of beng completely honest, or telling yet aother massive lie. 7% supported the honesty option ("Please. please vote for me"), while 14% favoured the breathtakingly unbelievable "We're not the Red Tories, honest".
20.2% recommended using the time-honoured "Vote SLab, yer faither did" slogan. Intriguingly, that is the precise percentage of the vote that my pole of poles (Anton Kwiatkowski) says SLAB will get in May.
A late surge of comments has suggested an ideal strategy for SLAB candidates, and we offer this (free of charge) to Mr Morphy.
A Mr Malcolm Tucker gave the most succint version of the strategy:
"Fucking tweeting about fucking steel for the fucking Forth Crossing on a fucking Friday night after a couple of fucking Bacardi Breezers?
"What kind of fucking publicity is that? Fucking shite!
"Did some fucker steal her last remaining fucking braincell? I'm knocking my fucking c**t in for these stupid fuckers!
"Get fucking Morphy and the other fucking MPs kitted out in a fancy fucking dress and get people arguing about whether they are Red fucking Tories or Blue fucking Tories."
Obviously another election winner from Mr Tucker, who coincidently fits the description of a man currently being sought for questioning by Police Scotlandshire on allegations of passing himself off as a physician and electoral vote irregularities.
As for that dress, those seeing royal blue and black have it right and those seeing white and gold should seek out a psychiatrist quickly as you're obviously mental.
Oh, and check out our new poll.
Due to the huge number of complaints, comments are no longer banned on BBC Scotlandshire News pages.