Big Ishoo condemns BBC Scotlandshire reader poll

By John Poultice, The World's Only Psephological Super-Hero

murphyissueIn our latest poll we asked "Which is the best campaign slogan for SLab candidates?" and 35% of you suggested "Big Issue! Get your Big Issue here!"

Publishers of Big Ishoo (Scotlandshire) responded with fury when we asked them to comment.

"Homelessness is no joke", they said, "which is why we were really pissed at Morphy pulling out of publicising the charity, because of potential political embarassment. Contrary to popular belief, homeless people can vote, if they provide a temporary address - and we'll make sure that address is in bloody Giffnock!

"For your readers to then suggest that we would give house room to unemployed politicians is ridiculous.

"Other charities exist for that purpose, particularly the House of Lords red benches where they can happily doze away their remaining years."

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Morphy welcomes darkness plague. Tells SNP 'Let my people go'

By Hand O'Godot, Our Biblical Judgment Correspondent

eclipseSLAB Supremo, Jim Morphy enthusiastically welcomed the conclusions of an elite American University that God was about to visit a plague of darkness on Scotlandshire, unless dominatrix Sturgeon freed voters from slavery to the Nat cause.

Scientists at Cincinatti University's Neo-Theosophical Studies department have predicted that a great darkness will engulf Scotlandshire in less than three weeks.

Only if the Scotch are freed from their bondage and polls show a return to righteousness, with no damn lefteousness, can devastation be averted.

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Power to the Bathist Insurgency!

By Wirral Poole, Our Hot Tub Correspondent

masked terroristA new threat to world security has arisen, as nationalist forces have seized control of the City of Bath and threaten to make it the capital of a New World Order.

Leader of the Bathist cult, Rev Stookam-Bell, already runs his own set of political parties - the Baathist parties in Syria and Iraq, the Clean Party in the USA, Grande Sud in Italy and TAP in Pakistan.

He also controls the Westminster Bubble (a coalition of Conservative, Labour and Lib Dem politicians in England) as well as the Soaking Naked Party (SNP) in his native Scotlandshire.

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Looming UK energy gap could be 'corked' by Scots Peers

By Lotza Kashenit, our Energy Economics Correspondent

fracking-peersScotlandshire must build new power stations if it wants to keep the lights on in the Home Counties beyond 2025, opposition leaders will warn today.

All three opposition parties in the Scottish parliament have insisted that new nuclear and gas-fired power plants must be built as the Southern UK has dropped below 3% energy resilience, leading to increased likelihood of both planned and unplanned power cuts.

All three party leaders will insist that Scotlandshire, which already exports a third of the power it generates to the South East of England, is the obvious place to site these new facilities.

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'Cash for Questions' scandal engulfs Holyrood

By Brahn N. Velope, Our Corruption Correspondent

cashforqsMSPs have been secretly filmed by BBC Scotlandshire asking questions of Ministers, HAVING BEEN PAID TO DO SO!

Shockingly, this has been going on since 1999, when Labour in Westminster graciously allowed the Scotch to have some say in their own affairs, but we are the first to bring this disgusting level of corruption to public attention.

Amazingly, these Financial Midden Quagmires (FMQs) take place in the open, and are not decently conducted "below the radar" as Westminster politicians sensibly do, to avoid public scandal.

Matters came to a head recently as Deputy Dawgdale departed from the long established convention of asking only one question (but three times over), and occasionally asked an entirely different question as well. Fellow MSPs were outraged.

"I'm outraged!" said veteran Tory MSP for Auchenshoogle North (and a bittie tae the East as weel), Hector McGlumph. "I've been here since 1999, and I haven't asked a single question since my first day, when I asked where to hand in my expenses chitty."

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Blow for SNP as Queen hangs on to the cash

By Neil Down, Our Royal Correspondent

ukipcandsUKIP supporters were jubilant, as Her Majesty stuck two fingers up to grasping Nat MSP, Mark McDonald.

Candidates broke into a spontaneous version of the highly appropriate "Time Warp" as they heard the news. [1]

McDonald had relished the UKIP announcement that they were to put up candidates in (if not actually contest) all 59 Scotch constituencies, jeering "Good of UKIP to make a significant cash donation to Scotland by way of multiple lost deposits. Cheers guys."

UKIP leader, Niggle Forage, sent a triumphant message via superfast broad beaked carrier pigeon to his candidates in the Far North, having previously failed to communicate via the planned video link through being unable to connect the UKIP laptop to the venue's sounding system that had a foreign sounding brand name.

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Labour - "We're fuc*ed in England"

By Withered Vine, Our London Affairs Correspondent

withered"Labour are fuc*ed, shafted, bonked and screwed all over England", ran the flier in a Soho phonebox for a lecture.

Although I am more used to lechers than lectures, I had taken part in much of that myself and, intrigued that I might get a mention, went along. Sadly it was about the next election (and I had just misheard the word).

The theme was an article in something called "Labour Uncut" (the Gentile version, I presume).

"No matter the gains in England and Wales, the basic truth is clear; Miliband cannot become Prime Minister unless Labour, and by extension his arch-foe, 'Creepy' Jim Morphy, claws back hundreds of thousands of votes from the SNP."

My arithmetic isn't the best, but that seemed odd. Even if Labour had grabbed all 573 seats in England and Wales - something even I haven't managed to do - then Miliband still couldn't become PM?

What had happened to the FACT: The largest party will form the government?

But Westminster is strange. Could "party" mean something else? A powerful totem in the hands of Miliband's evil nemesis?

A man with such power I had to have! Creepy Jim - You are mine!

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New Thatcher museum to be located in Dundee

By Archie Teck, our Useless Building Projects Correspondent

brown-thatcherDavid Cameron has given his backing to plans to build a new museum and library honouring the life and achievements of his predecessor Margaret Thatcher1.

The museum will contain specially commissioned models of the Ravenscraig steelworks, the Polkemmet pit and the Clyde shipyards, which Mrs Thatcher helped transform from worthless mass-employers into valuable brownfield development sites.

It will also house artefacts from her time in power - 1979 to 1990 - likely to include a selection of her suits and handbags as well as a set of torn plans for a North Sea gas gathering pipeline.

As a sop to Scottish Nationalists, the Westminister planning team have decided to name the toilets after well-known Scottish union leaders. And next door to the Dennis Thatcher whisky bar and the Mark Thatcher lost children office, will be a children's juice and breastfeeding lounge bearing the legend: "There will be no bevvying".

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Two injured as MP Jim Morphy visits Stornoway Airport

By Wansinna Blumun, our Highlands & Islands Correspondent

murphy-planeTwo passengers sustained minor injuries this morning after a plane came off the runway at Stornoway Airport on the Isle of Lewis.

The Loganair service was due to fly to Glasgow at about 08:30. It is thought it may have been caught in strong crosswinds.

Police Scotland said two men were taken to hospital and two women received minor injuries but declined medical assistance.

Thankfully, Scottish Labour leader Jim Morphy was on the scene within minutes, selflessly helping the injured passengers off the plane and into the safety of a nearby huddle of reporters.

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Scottish Government reveals new plans for Trident replacement

By Lars Hadron-Collider, our Nuclear Correspondent

gnatsIn one of his final acts as First Minister, outgoing premier Alex Salmond has announced his plans to replace the ageing Trident nuclear missile system.

At a press conference in Helenburgh, Mr Salmond revealed that the Scottish Government has developed plans to build a new weapon system, which will be installed before the next Scottish independence referendum, planned for 2017.

The First Minister said that the new system would be "fit to defend the nation against all current and future threats, rather than just those of the cold war."

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