New Ashcroft poll shows SNP would be third biggest party in England

By Avril Folle, our Westminster Correspondent

snp-englandA new poll by Lord Ashcroft has suggested that the Scottish Nationalist Party would become the third biggest party in England if they were to contest English constituencies.

The poll asked over one thousand voters in England how they would vote if each of the parties contesting the general election were standing in their own constituency, and included Sinn Fein, the Ulster Unionists and the SNP.

The Nationalists came third on 24%, after Labour on 28% and the Conservatives on 32%. UKIP were fourth on 9% and the Liberal Democrats trailed in sixth place on 3% behind the Greens on 4%.

Pulling the results through Electoral Calculus suggests that the SNP would pick up 57 seats if they stood candidates in England, making then the third largest party in that country. If polls in Scotland are correct, this could net the SNP over 100 seats in total, ensuring that they held the balance of power in the Westminster parliament.

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Alex Salmond rushed to Aberdeen Royal Infirmary

By Hellanor Broadbrush, Our Health and Ill-being correspondent

Alex Salmond at book launchAlex Salmond has been rushed by ambulance to Aberdeen Royal Infirmary after a serious storeroom accident.

The former First Minister, who is 60 years old, was found floating in and out of consciousness by a member of his staff in a storeroom area at his Strichen home in the early hours of this morning.

A spokesperson for Aberdeen Royal Infirmary acknowledged a 60 year old man had been admitted this morning after an incredibly short four hour stay in Accident and Emergency.

The spokesperson commented: “A 60 year old male was admitted in the early hours of this morning in a semi-conscious state following a blunt force trauma injury to the head. The man is in a stable condition in our high dependency unit.”

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Scottish Secretary Blocks SNP 'trick' to make Holyrood permanent

By Port Smith-Furst, our Scotlandshire Office Correspondent

carmichael-fingerAn SNP plan to give the Scottish Parliament legal permanence has been blocked at the last minute by Scottish Secretary Alistair Carmichael-Moore.

The clause, which would have removed the UK government's right to disband Holyrood, had been sneaked into the Smith Commission recommendations by MSP John Swinney, the Scottish Government's bookkeeper.

If allowed to pass through into legislation, it would have allowed the SNP to do whatever they wanted without fear of their government being disbanded whenever they 'stepped over the line'.

Mr Carmichael-Moore explained: "This could have been a disaster if it hadn't been spotted by a sharp-eyed civil servant.

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As parliament is prorogued, the SNP prepare their alien invasion

By Terry Fayed-Nation, our Extraterrestrial Correspondent

daleksAs the mother of all parliaments, Westminster, enters its final recess before the General Election, a pall of fear hangs over the institution. A terror of the enemy within. A tangible horror of change.

The Scottish Nationalist Party are preparing to become King-makers in an institution where Kings are genetically programmed to rule, and need no help from such alien Jockistani upstarts as these.

The imminent demise of the Labour Party's operation in Scotlandshire, for no greater a crime than the defence of the very realm itself, seems likely to unleash the apocalypse upon an unsuspecting nation. An invasion of barbarian SNP MPs who neither know nor care how things have always been done.

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Tae a Louse - On seeing one on Lady Scotia's bonnet in parliament

By Robert Burns, our Prophetic Poetic Correpondent

This is the second in our series highlighting the prescience of the Bard and his relevance to modern Scottish politics.

Tae a louse

Ha! whaur ye gaun, ye crowlin ferlie?
Your impudence protects you sairly;
I canna say but ye strunt rarely,
Owre gauze and lace;
Tho', faith! I fear ye dine but sparely
On sic a place.

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Miliband will be first normal Prime Minister

By Lucky Alexander, Our Kitchens Under the Sledgehammer correspondent

The Milibands enjoying a cuppa in the servant’s kitchenThe latest Ashcroft poll reveals Labour Party Leader Ed Miliband has managed a massive turnaround to become the most popular UK political leader and predicts he will command a majority even greater than the total secured by Tony Blair in the 1997 general election.

This complete reversal in fortune has followed an intervention to make him appear even more like a normal family man and has left all the opposition parties in complete disarray.

Even the wipe-out predicted in Scotlandshire has been reversed placing the SNP genie firmly back in the bottle.

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Donorgasm destroys Danny

By Cum Kwikly, Our Sexual Politics Correspondent

bumThe agent shared by all three Highland Lib Dem MPs, Ms Dolly Pastit, was visibly deflated after hearing that Danny Alexander had been taken for a ride, and that her pump would not, after all, be primed.

"It's been difficult for me since the Coalition was formed", she wailed.

"Charlie was always my darling, and his performances were always hugely impressive, but he lost his 'get up and go' as he embraced his true love. When the BBC publicly showed him in her embrace on Question Time, it was all over between us. I'll never forgive that cruel bastirt Dumbledrone for that particular bit of viciousness."

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Help the urgent appeal for BBC's Red Face Day

By Johnny Bossyman, Our Charity Begins at Home Director of Bias

red-faceSome of you bleeding heart liberals may be tempted to shell out some of your hard-earned Minimum Wage to help cure the epidemic of Red Nose disease that is sweeping the world.

It is a worthy cause, we do not deny that. However, why restrict your concern to the nasal protuberance when a far greater threat is heading our way?

The serious menace of Red Face is one that threatens all the executives of BBC Scotlandshire, and must be resisted at all costs.

Those costs, of course, must be borne not by us, but by you - our generous, if simple-minded, readers.

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Tae a Moose - On turning him up in his nest wi the plough

By Robert Burns, our Prophetic Poetic Correpondent

Tae a moose

Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty
Wi bickering brattle!
I wad be laith to rin an' chase thee,
Wi' murdering pattle.

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Politicians rush to remodel themselves

By Lower Ratone, Our English Meeja Correspondent

jackstrawAmazed by the free publicity generated by the Sun today by its (un)coverage of Sturgeon's ball and the deep tanning provided for Tasmina Ahmed-Sheikh, a flurry of politicians have rushed to join them.

A spokesthong for Malcolm Rifkind (see below - if you dare) said: "With his Lords' career gone, Jack feels a career in adult movies has exciting possibilities."

Jack Straw pouted: "Having sold off everything else, I'm now entitled to sell my body to the highest bidder."

Better that he had been ignored again, in favour of a suddenly un-prettied Tasmina, Humza Yousaf tweeted "Just in case @TheSunNewspaper want to write a piece about me, here's a pic of me below." (see below)

Tommy Sheridan demanded to know why his face had not been used in the Tasmina article.

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