Scots could be banned from speaking English, warns academicBy Cill E Akzent, our Linguistics Correspondent
In a death blow to Alex Salmond's plans for splitting from Britain, Professor Verbil Skitorz of the Technical University of Bollik, Estonia will warn that Scots will need to adopt their own language if they vote for separation. “We only allow ze Scotch people to use ze Eenglish because they is part of the UK”, Professor Skitorz will tell a specially invited audience at a U-KOK donors meeting in the Guildhall tomorrow. “If eet was a Breetish language, eet would not be called Eenglish, right? If ze Scotch peepilz want to keep on speaking eet, they better stay together een ze UK. Seemples. Gedit?” Travel Guide for LondonersBy Boris Johnson, The Mare of London
Bar etiquette. The first hurdle to negotiate is the actual invite to go for a drink. While many of the phrases those of us in the green and pleasant land would use have also been adopted in the stark lands of the North there are many phrases you will not have heard before. BBC Scotlandshire has the West Lothian answerBy Nat Hunter, our Political Editor.
The West Lothian Question question in question is not, as you might suppose, "what did Westminster do to help keep Halls of Broxburn going?", but rather, "why can Scottish MPs vote on English issues when English MPs cannot reciprocate?" The bitterness evident among English MPs has been compounded by the increasing gulf between the quality of public services offered on both sides of the border, particularly since the SNP took over the Scottish Government in May 2007. This has led to ever more shrill cries of "subsidy junkies" and a general belief that Scots are being given a superior level of service at the expense of their over-taxed English neighbours and, furthermore, that this is being done deliberately. Why America Must Say No to Scotland’s Independence From Great BritainBy Derby Mack, Our US affiliate on "Hard Dawn (because morning is hard in America, much like the rest of the fu*king day)"
There is no word yet on whether the powers that be in London will allow this [1] happen without a fight, but it certainly makes global politics that much more treacherous. The investigation that follows proves that an independent Scotland sets a very bad precedent for turbulent provinces the world over. From Juarez to Quebec, Kabul to California, radical elements seek to disrupt national power with such breakaway movements. If the reality of Russia’s Chechnya is any indication, this is a disastrous notion that may end in complete societal collapse. A closer look at the specific parties agitating for this upheaval shows that socialism is [a] crucial element of this agenda. MP now free from drink, anger and Labour sees the truth for the first time, driven to drink againBy C. Ahteltye, Our Labour are the Union Correspondent
We applauded his agreement to lay off the booze and to undergo anger management training, so that he could resume his role as a loyal defender of good old British Unionism. We are deeply concerned, therefore, to find that in his sobriety he has decided to reveal the innermost secrets of Labour in Scotlandshire. Such perfidy is equivalent to Edward Snowden's traitorous sharing of the fact that UK and US intelligence services are spying on all of us - especially you, dear reader, for visiting this site. We utterly condemn the revelation of the truth, under any circumstances. You are urged not to read any further and be exposed to anything so dangerous as facts. Massive Unionist March Hailed a Great British SuccessBy Scott Fleg-Monger, our Westminster Correspondent
Here in the heart of London, the very beating spleen of British politics, the centre of this sceptered isle, this England, the power of the people was almost palpable. I felt a flutter of chest, a redness of eye and dampness of cheek as I watched the images flick across every news channel, hour after glorious hour, in celebration of this outpouring of National bettertogetherness. Not even the Hyde-park statues could fail to have their stony hearts moved by the spectacle of so many gathered in support of a common ideal – the defence of our still-great Empire. Even the 500 high-spirited revellers who were arrested by an over vigilant police force did nothing to dampen the spirits. Scotland may not be Welcome in the Federation, say KlingonsBy N. Torprize, our Galactic Correspondent
Supreme Commander Lord Gowron, Leader of the Klingon High Council told reporters attending a U-FoP conference in Kensington that a separate Scotlandshire would need to plead on bended knee to be allowed into the Federation, and that the Klingons would likely veto the Scots "just for a laugh, because that's the kind of beings we are", adding, "bIjatlh 'e' yImev. Yitlhutlh! (Stop talking! Drink!)". Â Catalonian Independence Movement an SNP front, claims BTBy Blare MacDugall, our Guest Purveyor of Purest Mince
The image clearly shows separatist Spaniards being given their instructions by their Scottish Nationalist handler. I have added some helpful annotations using Photoshop (version hate) to make absolutely clear what is going on in the picture, just in case there was any ambiguity or room for interpretation. As if further proof was needed, the 'government' of Catalonia has just announced they will probably be holding their own referendum on separation LESS THAN A WEEK BEFORE ALEX SALMOND'S ONE IN SCOTLANDSHIRE! This proves, beyond all possible doubt, that the two votes are being coordinated to give the natz the best chance of winning their referendum. It shows both that the SNP is clearly in charge in Spain and that the Spanish referendum is no more than a publicity exercise for Salmond's own separation plans. 'Scotland on Sunday' - pathetic apologist for the UnionBy Prin Tshit, Our Media Correspondent
"They have no right to take our glorious British values, and hand them to the Nats", said Director General Kenny McQuarrel. "We Brits invented concentration and labour camps to control Africans, and continued that up until the 1950s. "Many Brits have supported Nazism - even the Royal Family and much of the Tory and Labour Parties who, at the time, thought Hitler was 'a jolly good chap' who put workers and dissidents 'in their place' - which was extermination and labour camps. A model that IDS should follow today." 80% of Scots “too stupid to know what's good for them”, says PMBy Disney C D Ironie, our Westminster correspondent
The prime minister added that it would be "incredibly stupid" of Scots to vote Yes to separation in 2014, as this would lead to Britain being "left defenceless" in the face of nuclear threats from international terrorists. Speaking to an invited audience of Better Together bankers backers, Mr Cameron said: "It is absolutely vital that the UK keeps its nuclear deterrent as the world is becoming a more dangerous place every day. If we ceased to be a nuclear power, Scotlandshire could see it's airports attacked by Islamist terrorists from all across England, with no more than a few untrained baggage handlers to protect them. |
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