Welcome to BBC Scotlandshire news from the Central Belt. Because we know what's good for you.
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SLab hopeful, forced to take the Blair Grand, gets creativeBy Helmut D Nyer, our Labour Revisionism Correspondent
The former prime minister pledged £106,000 to help the party campaign in 106 key battleground seats, but Lesley Brennan who is standing in Dundee East decided to decline the offer. She was then instructed by Labour's central office in London that the offer was not optional and that she must accept the donation and use it to support her campaign.
Morphy forced back to original shape by London diktatBy Ingin Eenana, Our Dundee Correspondent
After a lengthy introduction in which he really was "Rambling Sid Rumpo" from the 1960s, Morphy made the on-stage transition to being Nicola Sturgeon (complete with tin helmet). How the audience (apart from the unions) loved it! His Vow that "he will not need permission from the party's UK leader Ed Miliband for decisions relating to Scotland" was wildly acclaimed as being just as full of shit meaning as the Daily Record's Vow. Yet within hours, London brought him to his knees.
Confusion - SLAB's new winning strategyBy Willie Wontie, Our Decision Making Correspondent
In a spate of leaked stories and photographs in the weekend press, co-planners McDonut and Dalgetybay have released an onslaught of uncertainty that has left the Nat strategists reeling. A main component of the plan is to present an image of a hapless bunch of politicians, fighting like ferrets in a sack, not even able to tie their own shoelaces.
New book to accuse the BBC of institutional political bias – WTF?By Steve Bell-Ende, Our "Autie's Incestuous Relations with SLab" Correspondent
Normally, any book making such patently absurd claims would end up straight in the BBC Index Expurgatus beneath my desk, but this one is being written by a repeat offender, the man behind the splittist blog, Newsnet. GA Ponsonby, a self-confessed Cybernat, has spent years complaining about BBC Scotlandshire and collecting oodles of clips and screen-shots to back up his crazed conspiracy theories. Now he is writing down all his swivel-eyed rants in the form of a book, which he threatens to publish in April, well before the General Election. Astonishingly, the book carries the title, LONDON CALLING – how the BBC stole the Referendum. Stole! The BBC stole the referendum! When we were given it by all three legitimate British political parties, in a rare show of unity, and told to treat it as our own. How can that possibly be described as theft? Consequently, we are calling on every right-thinking Scot (and any left-thinking ones who haven't left the Labour party yet) to boycott this evil publication lest its separatist message infest the voters with the Nat virus it so clearly carries.
Buyer found for Labour's branch office in ScotlandshireBy Farquhar Fortesque-Landgrabber, our Scottish Estates Correspondent
The office was put up for sale following the second Ashcroft poll of Scottish constituencies, which showed that Labour would lose almost all of its Scottish seats, forcing the party to reconsider its accommodation needs. The asking price was then quickly slashed in the wake of a motivational day trip to Edinburgh for the branch office's dwindling sales team, which turned out to be a mysogynist disaster. The partyproperty was described by estate agents, The Charles Charlatan Partnership, as "Rather faded and run down, but still with some potential if new management can be found in time. Largely neglected since the seventies, this property has lost its purpose, with only the right wing being occupied for several decades. The site would be ideal for redevelopment but would require demolition of a perilously unsafe structure."
Campaign placed on a war footingBy Corr Seeratits, Our International Womens Day Correspondent
In a top secret (because few were actually listening) briefing, he warned that the enemy had armed "wee lassies" and provided them with full military gear like tin helmets. "It's easy tae make fun o' them", he dribbled, "and Ah'm a specialist in that field. Weemin makkin on they're sodjers? They've nae tadgers, and cannae even pish high up the wa'!" Conference erupted in an outburst of pricks and cheered his strategic genius.
Carnage in Edinburgh Conference CentreBy Stenn Gunn, Our Battlefield Correspondent
And what a helluva day it was! I have seen many disasters, conflicts and wars in my time, but this was the bloodiest of civil wars that I have ever witnessed. The sight of ravenous Dawgdales and Griffins tearing at the bloodied corpses was sickening. No amount of salary can compensate for the ravages to my soul [Ed : Piss off. "No amount" is exactly the salary you get.]
Stolen seats reported across the countryBy Sofah Sogood, Our Furniture Correspondent
Nat candidate for the Barras (and associated bits of Glasgow Central), Alison Thewliss, stood up hastily when we arrived to interview her. "Many people here can't afford seats while the Sarwars keep them in the family." "Proudhon said that 'Property is theft' and I'm simply planning to take back what the rich stole from the people", she declared. "Every constituent will be entitled to an equal share of time sitting on my bit of the Westminster benches.
A partly political broadcast on behalf of Creepy Jim MorphyBy Yew Choob, our Lyrically Satirical Correspondents
This is not to be confused with grown-up politics, which is generally quite an important business. And one which professional politicians, at least, normally treat quite seriously. Mr Morphy, it would appear, is content just having a laugh at the voters' expense(s).
U-KOK rise again!By Jinty Hoowl, Our Jolly Hockeysticks Correspondent [1]
While we are young, lots of us fancy bad boys like Humza Yousaf, but would you want to marry him and live in abject poverty, cast out by your loving family? That's why caring Tories have joined together to keep the family of nations together (apart from the Eyeties and especially the damn Frogs!) Many of us have voted Labour for years because, not only do our right-wing reactionary views, fit in so well there, but they are the bulwark against the Scotch - the enemies of Britain. We know that a Labour Government is just as good as a Tory one, since both make the bankers very happy people, and they are so thankful they give us oodles of cash in return. In the same way, it is far better for you young girls to be looked after by the former No activists, business figures and academics in the "Scotlandshire in Conjugal Union" movement. In fact, many of these nice gentlemen are keen to help you through your university career. Just for the pleasure of your company, these "sugar daddies" will be very generous.
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- Big Ishoo condemns BBC Scotlandshire reader poll
- Morphy welcomes darkness plague. Tells SNP 'Let my people go'
- Power to the Bathist Insurgency!
- Looming UK energy gap could be 'corked' by Scots Peers
- 'Cash for Questions' scandal engulfs Holyrood
- Blow for SNP as Queen hangs on to the cash
- Labour - "We're fuc*ed in England"
- New Thatcher museum to be located in Dundee
- Two injured as MP Jim Morphy visits Stornoway Airport
- Scottish Government reveals new plans for Trident replacement