Welcome to BBC Scotlandshire news from the Central Belt. Because we know what's good for you.


Why America Must Say No to Scotland’s Independence From Great Britain

By Derby MackOur US affiliate on "Hard Dawn (because morning is hard in America, much like the rest of the fu*king day)"

socialistscotlandIn September of 2014, the people of Scotland will vote on whether to declare independence from the United Kingdom.

There is no word yet on whether the powers that be in London will allow this [1] happen without a fight, but it certainly makes global politics that much more treacherous. The investigation that follows proves that an independent Scotland sets a very bad precedent for turbulent provinces the world over.

From Juarez to Quebec, Kabul to California, radical elements seek to disrupt national power with such breakaway movements. If the reality of Russia’s Chechnya is any indication, this is a disastrous notion that may end in complete societal collapse. A closer look at the specific parties agitating for this upheaval shows that socialism is [a] crucial element of this agenda.

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MP now free from drink, anger and Labour sees the truth for the first time, driven to drink again

By C. AhteltyeOur Labour are the Union Correspondent

sober joyceThis channel has been severely critical of Eric Joyce MP for his activities which let down the Labour Party and, therefore, the principal supporter of that glorious Union which allows us to be ruled by the very Tories that he tried to beat the shit out of.

We applauded his agreement to lay off the booze and to undergo anger management training, so that he could resume his role as a loyal defender of good old British Unionism.

We are deeply concerned, therefore, to find that in his sobriety he has decided to reveal the innermost secrets of Labour in Scotlandshire.

Such perfidy is equivalent to Edward Snowden's traitorous sharing of the fact that UK and US intelligence services are spying on all of us - especially you, dear reader, for visiting this site.

We utterly condemn the revelation of the truth, under any circumstances. You are urged not to read any further and be exposed to anything so dangerous as facts.

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Massive Unionist March Hailed a Great British Success

By Scott Fleg-Monger, our Westminster Correspondent

orange-orders-460Today's U-KOK march and rally in Hyde Park, which saw over 250,000 loyal souls stride against the evils of splittism, will have brought an almost unbearable sense of pride to all right-thinking Brits.

Here in the heart of London, the very beating spleen of British politics, the centre of this sceptered isle, this England, the power of the people was almost palpable.

I felt a flutter of chest, a redness of eye and dampness of cheek as I watched the images flick across every news channel, hour after glorious hour, in celebration of this outpouring of National bettertogetherness.

Not even the Hyde-park statues could fail to have their stony hearts moved by the spectacle of so many gathered in support of a common ideal – the defence of our still-great Empire. Even the 500 high-spirited revellers who were arrested by an over vigilant police force did nothing to dampen the spirits.

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Scotland may not be Welcome in the Federation, say Klingons

By N. Torprize, our Galactic Correspondent

KlingonAlex Salmond's dreams of breaking up the United Kingdom suffered a mortal blow today as the Galaxy's top Klingon cast doubts on SNPs claims that Scotlandshire would be allowed to join the United Federation of Planets U-FoP within months of a Yes vote in the separation referendum.

Supreme Commander Lord Gowron, Leader of the Klingon High Council told reporters attending a U-FoP conference in Kensington that a separate Scotlandshire would need to plead on bended knee to be allowed into the Federation, and that the Klingons would likely veto the Scots "just for a laugh, because that's the kind of beings we are", adding, "bIjatlh 'e' yImev. Yitlhutlh! (Stop talking! Drink!)".


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Catalonian Independence Movement an SNP front, claims BT

By Blare MacDugall, our Guest Purveyor of Purest Mince

catalan-national-dayI have just been given incontrovertible proof, by an impeccable source (me), that the entire movement for separation in Spain's region of Catalonia is nothing more than a front organisation for the Scottish Nationalist party (see image right).

The image clearly shows separatist Spaniards being given their instructions by their Scottish Nationalist handler. I have added some helpful annotations using Photoshop (version hate) to make absolutely clear what is going on in the picture, just in case there was any ambiguity or room for interpretation.

As if further proof was needed, the 'government' of Catalonia has just announced they will probably be holding their own referendum on separation LESS THAN A WEEK BEFORE ALEX SALMOND'S ONE IN SCOTLANDSHIRE!

This proves, beyond all possible doubt, that the two votes are being coordinated to give the natz the best chance of winning their referendum. It shows both that the SNP is clearly in charge in Spain and that the Spanish referendum is no more than a publicity exercise for Salmond's own separation plans.

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'Scotland on Sunday' - pathetic apologist for the Union

By Prin TshitOur Media Correspondent 

sos saltireBBC Scotlandshire executives have condemned the article in Scotland on Sunday's The Week which suggests an association between those wanting an independent Scotland and extreme right wing fascist activists.

"They have no right to take our glorious British values, and hand them to the Nats", said Director General Kenny McQuarrel. "We Brits invented concentration and labour camps to control Africans, and continued that up until the 1950s.

"Many Brits have supported Nazism - even the Royal Family and much of the Tory and Labour Parties who, at the time, thought Hitler was 'a jolly good chap' who put workers and dissidents 'in their place' - which was extermination and labour camps. A model that IDS should follow today."

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80% of Scots “too stupid to know what's good for them”, says PM

By Disney C D Ironie, our Westminster correspondent

KoreaDavid Cameron warned that it would be "foolish" for Britain even to consider abandoning Trident because the country faces an increased threat of nuclear attack from crazy socialist regimes such as North Korea or France.

The prime minister added that it would be "incredibly stupid" of Scots to vote Yes to separation in 2014, as this would lead to Britain being "left defenceless" in the face of nuclear threats from international terrorists.

Speaking to an invited audience of Better Together bankers backers, Mr Cameron said:

"It is absolutely vital that the UK keeps its nuclear deterrent as the world is becoming a more dangerous place every day. If we ceased to be a nuclear power, Scotlandshire could see it's airports attacked by Islamist terrorists from all across England, with no more than a few untrained baggage handlers to protect them.

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SNP humiliated by Danish Steel used in referendum date sign!

By Rusty KnalesOur Heavy Industry Correspondent 

danish steelNicola Sturgeon said the referendum date welded in steel demonstrated the best of Scotlandshire’s manufacturing skills and apprenticeships, but Labour have been quick to point out that the sign only highlighted the skills of our people, businesses and education system, and not our steel industry.

It was discovered that the steel which went into making a commemorative metal sign to mark the 2014 referendum was, in actual fact, made from Danish Steel and not Scottish Steel.

Scottish ministers were apparently gutted to find that they had inadvertently used the Danish steel in the production of the sign as it gave “those bloody Unionists something else to shriek about rather than take part constructively in the debate over Scotland’s future”.

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“Clever people” not needed says idiot

By Charity CaseOur Welfare and Benefits Correspondent

angry idsWork and Pensions secretary, and aspirant Village Idiot, Ian Duncan Smith yesterday dismissed “geologists, scientists and other brainy folk” as useless to the economy.

“What the economy needs,” he said, “is shelf stackers, and more shelf stackers. As long as the country’s shelves are stacked, what more is there to an economy?”

The Moron for Chingford and Woodford Green, lied on his CV about having any qualifications.

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Greg Hemphill under lock & key after Twitter meltdown

By Ellenback Broadfud, Our SLAB Health Correspondent and Jackie Baillie's BFF

HemphillFamily and friends of Greg Hemphill last night voiced concern for the comedy genius following a Twitter separatist rant-a-thon meltdown that was directed, quite unfairly, at spoof broadcasting channel the BBC.

Speculation grows that the 43 year old Greg Hemphill is under close medical supervision after a vociferous and highly unwarranted attack on the satirical BBC website, the iPlayer – a cheap knockoff of this channel's ayePlayer - closely followed by insane ramblings related to "independence".

The comedian said bosses were "stifling" Scottish culture by only showing English content on the network's world service. Hemphill claimed that BBC iPlayer does not allow audiences outside of the UK to watch any Scottish content, comparing the broadcaster to former Tory leader Margaret Thatcher.

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