Welcome to BBC Scotlandshire news from the Central Belt. Because we know what's good for you.

 

Massive Unionist March Hailed a Great British Success

By Scott Fleg-Monger, our Westminster Correspondent

orange-orders-460Today's U-KOK march and rally in Hyde Park, which saw over 250,000 loyal souls stride against the evils of splittism, will have brought an almost unbearable sense of pride to all right-thinking Brits.

Here in the heart of London, the very beating spleen of British politics, the centre of this sceptered isle, this England, the power of the people was almost palpable.

I felt a flutter of chest, a redness of eye and dampness of cheek as I watched the images flick across every news channel, hour after glorious hour, in celebration of this outpouring of National bettertogetherness.

Not even the Hyde-park statues could fail to have their stony hearts moved by the spectacle of so many gathered in support of a common ideal – the defence of our still-great Empire. Even the 500 high-spirited revellers who were arrested by an over vigilant police force did nothing to dampen the spirits.

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Scotland may not be Welcome in the Federation, say Klingons

By N. Torprize, our Galactic Correspondent

KlingonAlex Salmond's dreams of breaking up the United Kingdom suffered a mortal blow today as the Galaxy's top Klingon cast doubts on SNPs claims that Scotlandshire would be allowed to join the United Federation of Planets U-FoP within months of a Yes vote in the separation referendum.

Supreme Commander Lord Gowron, Leader of the Klingon High Council told reporters attending a U-FoP conference in Kensington that a separate Scotlandshire would need to plead on bended knee to be allowed into the Federation, and that the Klingons would likely veto the Scots "just for a laugh, because that's the kind of beings we are", adding, "bIjatlh 'e' yImev. Yitlhutlh! (Stop talking! Drink!)".

 

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Catalonian Independence Movement an SNP front, claims BT

By Blare MacDugall, our Guest Purveyor of Purest Mince

catalan-national-dayI have just been given incontrovertible proof, by an impeccable source (me), that the entire movement for separation in Spain's region of Catalonia is nothing more than a front organisation for the Scottish Nationalist party (see image right).

The image clearly shows separatist Spaniards being given their instructions by their Scottish Nationalist handler. I have added some helpful annotations using Photoshop (version hate) to make absolutely clear what is going on in the picture, just in case there was any ambiguity or room for interpretation.

As if further proof was needed, the 'government' of Catalonia has just announced they will probably be holding their own referendum on separation LESS THAN A WEEK BEFORE ALEX SALMOND'S ONE IN SCOTLANDSHIRE!

This proves, beyond all possible doubt, that the two votes are being coordinated to give the natz the best chance of winning their referendum. It shows both that the SNP is clearly in charge in Spain and that the Spanish referendum is no more than a publicity exercise for Salmond's own separation plans.

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'Scotland on Sunday' - pathetic apologist for the Union

By Prin TshitOur Media Correspondent 

sos saltireBBC Scotlandshire executives have condemned the article in Scotland on Sunday's The Week which suggests an association between those wanting an independent Scotland and extreme right wing fascist activists.

"They have no right to take our glorious British values, and hand them to the Nats", said Director General Kenny McQuarrel. "We Brits invented concentration and labour camps to control Africans, and continued that up until the 1950s.

"Many Brits have supported Nazism - even the Royal Family and much of the Tory and Labour Parties who, at the time, thought Hitler was 'a jolly good chap' who put workers and dissidents 'in their place' - which was extermination and labour camps. A model that IDS should follow today."

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80% of Scots “too stupid to know what's good for them”, says PM

By Disney C D Ironie, our Westminster correspondent

KoreaDavid Cameron warned that it would be "foolish" for Britain even to consider abandoning Trident because the country faces an increased threat of nuclear attack from crazy socialist regimes such as North Korea or France.

The prime minister added that it would be "incredibly stupid" of Scots to vote Yes to separation in 2014, as this would lead to Britain being "left defenceless" in the face of nuclear threats from international terrorists.

Speaking to an invited audience of Better Together bankers backers, Mr Cameron said:

"It is absolutely vital that the UK keeps its nuclear deterrent as the world is becoming a more dangerous place every day. If we ceased to be a nuclear power, Scotlandshire could see it's airports attacked by Islamist terrorists from all across England, with no more than a few untrained baggage handlers to protect them.

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SNP humiliated by Danish Steel used in referendum date sign!

By Rusty KnalesOur Heavy Industry Correspondent 

danish steelNicola Sturgeon said the referendum date welded in steel demonstrated the best of Scotlandshire’s manufacturing skills and apprenticeships, but Labour have been quick to point out that the sign only highlighted the skills of our people, businesses and education system, and not our steel industry.

It was discovered that the steel which went into making a commemorative metal sign to mark the 2014 referendum was, in actual fact, made from Danish Steel and not Scottish Steel.

Scottish ministers were apparently gutted to find that they had inadvertently used the Danish steel in the production of the sign as it gave “those bloody Unionists something else to shriek about rather than take part constructively in the debate over Scotland’s future”.

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“Clever people” not needed says idiot

By Charity CaseOur Welfare and Benefits Correspondent

angry idsWork and Pensions secretary, and aspirant Village Idiot, Ian Duncan Smith yesterday dismissed “geologists, scientists and other brainy folk” as useless to the economy.

“What the economy needs,” he said, “is shelf stackers, and more shelf stackers. As long as the country’s shelves are stacked, what more is there to an economy?”

The Moron for Chingford and Woodford Green, lied on his CV about having any qualifications.

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Greg Hemphill under lock & key after Twitter meltdown

By Ellenback Broadfud, Our SLAB Health Correspondent and Jackie Baillie's BFF

HemphillFamily and friends of Greg Hemphill last night voiced concern for the comedy genius following a Twitter separatist rant-a-thon meltdown that was directed, quite unfairly, at spoof broadcasting channel the BBC.

Speculation grows that the 43 year old Greg Hemphill is under close medical supervision after a vociferous and highly unwarranted attack on the satirical BBC website, the iPlayer – a cheap knockoff of this channel's ayePlayer - closely followed by insane ramblings related to "independence".

The comedian said bosses were "stifling" Scottish culture by only showing English content on the network's world service. Hemphill claimed that BBC iPlayer does not allow audiences outside of the UK to watch any Scottish content, comparing the broadcaster to former Tory leader Margaret Thatcher.

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Matheson receives stunning blow - job in jeopardy

By Beef Lynx, our Showbiz Reporter

matheson0BBC Scotlandshire is proud to announce that, after two months of public voting and the emergence of several very strong contenders for the Anti-Scottishness awards, this year's prestigious Union of Scottish Unionist Quislings (USUQ) award has been awarded to none other than Glasgow Council leader, Gordon Matheson.

Gordon can add this wonderful USUQ award to the Local Politician of the year Award given to him in 2012 by the Herald Newspaper. It will look lovely on his mantlepiece when he's poking the grate.

Sadly, Cllr Matheson is unable to accept the USUQ award in person as he has taken a vow to keep his mouth closed in public, from now on, we understand. However, Gordon did make this short film for us earlier: "Mmmm nmm mmm um gobble gobble mm nmm umm nmm mmm! Chap, chap, chap. Gulp. Cough. Yes officer - how can I help you?"

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Alistair Darling and the Declaration of Prestonpans

By Nat Butcher, Political Correspondent

Nat Butcher hears disgraced Chancellor Alistair Darling give the John P MacKintosh memorial lecture in Prestonpans community centre, while embedded with proscribed organisation; the Scottish Militant Ninja Turtles.

darlingLast evening I was witness to the most uplifting and impressive political speech of my journalistic career - a learned polemic given by Alistair Darling to a huge audience of Labour councillors and other East Lothian pensioners, which was cleverly entitled "Better No".

Unseated Chancellor Darling explained to the eager attendees how a Separated Scotlandshire would be denied access to vital cultural assets as these would be retained by England.

These included all members of your family who are resident outside Scotlandshire, who would immediately become 'foreign scum', a term already used in Westminster legislation as a synonym for the less insulting 'Johnny European'.

Scots would also be denied the right to listen to Jedward, Mr Blobby or Chas and Dave, while Hollyoaks and Cash in the Attic would be blocked from Scottish televisions and cricket would be completely forbidden to us on all media and in person. We would even be unable to support Andy Murray, as he would be declared English, as was previously reported on this channel.

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