PM demands Sturgeon ‘must come clean’ on independence declaration

By Fonn N Yoon, our Holyrood Correspondent

Nicola-Sturgeon-cushions

Prime minister Theresa May has demanded that SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon ‘must come clean’ on whether she secretly declared independence in a coded message to supporters during her speech to the SNP party conference last week.

Unnoticed by ministers at the time, lexical analysis of the First Minister’s address to conference has shown what appears to be hidden messages in her text which can only be understood by independence supporters, similar to how Cherokee speakers were used to pass coded radio messages in WW2.

A spokeszealot for the Cabinet Office, the Right Honourable Cecil K D Fiddler QC, told the BBC that MI5 officers routinely analyse the content of speeches made by separatists and other undesirable types, using sophisticated software algorithms. This allows them to spot the true meaning of what is being said.

“The First minister’s speech contained a number of phrases in an unknown and indecipherable language, which can only be understood by freedom fanatics”, said Fiddler, “phrases such as ‘Ahaymadoots’ and ‘Adinnyken’.

“It has taken even the powerful supercomputers at GCHQ several days to come up with a preliminary translation of the hidden content and the early results have left UK ministers worried.”

"Head of GCHQ, Sir James Bondage KPMG, commented further, “At the end of her speech, Ms Sturgeon asked, ‘Who wants to live in an independent Scotland?’, followed by the secret phrase, ‘You dae, Aye.’

Following a week of intensive analysis, we have conclude that this was a coded call for a Universal Declaration of Independence or UDI, under which Scotland would leave the UK simply because the SNP had more MPs than everyone else put together.

"Since UDI has been SNP policy from the year dot, and has always been an acceptable route to independence from a Westminster perspective, there would be nothing we could legally do to block it. Hence the concern in the cabinet and the urgent need for clarification.

"In the week where the British Government had to admit losing half a trillion pounds in Inward Investment due to Brexit and a ‘No Deal’ fiscal cliff fast approaching, we can’t afford to be losing the last part of our economy which still actually makes and exports stuff.

"And all because we didn’t have the foresight of the Spanish to make it illegal. Good grief, it’s unthinkable!"

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