By Glitzy Glamour, Our XXL-Z List reporter

In yet another devastating blow to the nationalists, a slowly rising megastar of Dateline Scotland has secretly married the NoThanks! chief spokestragedist in a top secret ceremony, at a top secret location, all paid for by a top secret Better Together donor.

Ms Briony Laing of Dateline Scotland fame and George Deary of Better Together infamy announced the fantastic news of their nuptials in front of a packed world press pack.

Unfortunately the world’s media were actually there under the misapprehension that Nigel Farage was about to announce yet another Tory MPs defection to UKIP. Rumours had been rife all day that "the Mundell situation was about to be sorted".

The generous donor is most definitely not a funder of foreign despot warlords or a greedy Tory out to grab all the oil and natural resource wealth he can get his hands on.

Not since Jennifer Aniston married Brad Pitt has a marriage been arranged with such subterfuge and downright sneakery.

The Scotlandshire not-so-rich and famous were all sworn to secrecy, only being informed of the wedding venue a mere matter of hours before the ceremony began.

Buses with specially blacked out windows ferried guests, such as the Prime Minister, the Deputy Prime Minster and the Leader of the Opposition, from London to the exclusive Scotlandshire country hotel where the wedding took place. Luckily, Stagecoach had cheap day returns on sales for the PM and his team of multi-coloured Tories.

Mr Deary of Better Together, or whatever the No campaign is calling itself this week, seemed ecstatic at winning over the heart of Ms Laing.

He said: “Our eyes first met a few months ago at the Vote Nob Orders launch when she pranged my motor."

He further reminisced: “I was initially raging at the big dent until Wee George started to take over the thinking for me and then I had another big dent to worry about - if you know what I mean!”

A semi-comatose Ms Laing was reminded by her new husband to take one of the “Special Davidson pills” to keep her in a state of perpetual Union bliss. He commented: “Who’d believe that just one wee Roofie Davidson pill a day can make me such a happy man and keep Briony as compliant as that actress burd in our last advert!”

Ms Laing, who seemed more than a little inebriated, slobbered: “George and I are Better Together. I’ve got the Best of Both Worlds with my career and being a patronising housewife. Pass me more of that champers and caviar…. and another roofie... ta very much!“

Ms Lang turned into something that can best be described as a rabid gnawer when it was pointed out she may lose her job due to her marital links to a spin doctor.

She responded: “Naw! Naw! Naw! Isnae happen on ma watch.”

Her attention then wandered for a moment before she said: "Do you like my watch? One of George's donor pals gave it to me as a wedding pressie. It's a real Rolex you know!

Rumour has it that BBC Scotlandshire executives will soon replace Ms Lang with an honest, hardworking journalist such as Kezia Dugstail MSP.

One BBC Scotlandshire executive commented: “I prefer my reporters to be pretty British pieces of brunette crumpet, not some Scottish plastic Barbie.”

He proceeded to ask this reporter to make him a cuppa: "One sugar and a splash of milk. Mind that's only a splash of milk Doll."

Ms Lang responded badly to this news: “I’d rather be sucking a wee George than have to work a moment longer with those two publicity seeking fannies on Dateline Scotland.

“Anyway, do you know Foster and Devoy run the Jackie Bird fan club in their spare time? Sad bas*ards!”

After the wedding reception, this reporter happened past the Wedding Suite to bear witness to the consummation of this unholy union. The following screaming was heard coming from the room when the ear was pressed firmly against the door: “That’s it U-KOK. Ooh Dear! Oooh Dear! Oooooh DEARY! Yes! Yeees! Yeeeessssss!”

It was far from clear whether it was Mr or Mrs Deary making the most noise.

The happy couple sold the rights to their wedding day photographs to “Hello Scotlandshire” for an undisclosed sum. It is believed they managed to secure remuneration of a free honeymoon at the internationally renowned Butlins Ayr resort and a weekend of all you can eat icecream at Nardini’s Café in Largs.

In other news, that’s still mildly related to this news, BBC Scotlandshire has more news to come of a forthcoming pregnancy in the Dateline Scotland team, much to the delight of George Deary, and a no holds barred exposé exposing the seedy past life of a Dateline Scotland anchorman again with links to George Deary.

Speculation is rife that Dateline Scotland has already been cancelled, never to return. The show is alleged to have had a temporary reprieve due to the forced absence of Johnny Bossyman, Heid of News and Current Bias at BBC Scotlandshire.

Mr Bossyman is currently “aff oan the sick” after catching a sexually transmitted disease off a Scottish Green Party toilet in the Scottish Parliament. His worried family are awaiting the finally identification of the Natz STD and are praying for a successfully treatment outcome under the wondrous care of Virgin Healthcare, or as they are better known in England, the National Health Service.

Enjoy this edition of our specially commissioned Dateline Scotland as their next will likely be the last! BBC Scotlandshire cannot, in all good conscience, spend any more of the license fee on such drivel. Do you know how hard we have to work to extort that much money from the public?

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