By John Poultice, The World's Only Polling Expert

Sadly, the poll of English voters, carried out by YouGuff, on behalf of a bunch of so-called "academics" (they wouldn't let me join their gravy train) has destroyed the entire basis of the NoBloodyThanks! ThereShouldBeNoBloody HaggisInAFullEnglish Breakfast campaign.

Not a single English voter objected to Scotlandshire including haggis, square sausage, or tattie scones for their early morning repast, so the U-KOK suggestion that the Natz were fuelling cross-border divisions seems to have had no effect.

Worse still, they also reject other key components of the BetterTogetherWithEcclesCakes manifesto.

When, inevitably, there is a NO vote they endorsed the idea that "The Scottish Parliament should be given control over the majority of taxes raised in Scotlandshire, and decide its own policies on welfare benefits" by 62% to 38% - a position that Scots themselves take. This potentially drives a deep wedge between the English and their political parties who are too scared to go anywhere near that position, The inevitable consequence is that 62% of the English electorate will vote SNP in 2015, thus sabotaging the rUK.

Further, 62% feel that "Scottish MPs should be prevented on ^[1] voting on laws that apply only in England". This is a position strongly condemned by the Unionist parties in Scotlandshire, who pretend that they are actually "equal partners" in the Union, and thus are entitled to tell the English how to run their own affairs.

However, the extensive polling in Scotlandshire on the issue of MPs from that province voting on English matters was more succinctly distilled in a single comment from Mr Dugald McNaught from Inversneckie: "Eh? Couldnae gie a shite."

However, I must caution people against placing too much credence on this poll, for 2 reasons -

1. They didn't ask me to make up the questions

2. The respondents are clearly mindless idiots.

When asked to agree or disagree with the statement that "England and Scotlandshire will continue to drift apart", only 21% had the wit to disagree. The others either didn't know or agreed! Since the bloody border goes all the way down to the Earth's crust, and there's no fault line there, how could so many be ignorant of basic geographical reality? Not all of could have gone to Eton, so there must have been some former Harrow pupils in the sample too.

62% of the sample thought that "levels of public spending in Scotland should be reduced to the levels in the rest of the UK" and they said that at the same time as saying that most taxes and spending levels should be decided by the Scots!

Jesus Christ! If these fatuous morons are deciding UK policy, I might vote Yes myself! [Ed : Apologise for that profanity immediately!]

Sorry. Jesus Christ! If these fatuous morons are deciding UK policy, I might reject Jim Murphy's advice and abstain myself!

These people also had opinions about what should happen in the event of a Yes vote. However, not only is that eventuality highly unlikely, but the level of fu*king ignorance from these people amply demonstrates why David Starkey is considered an intellectual in England.

^[1] Are any of these bloody people literate? "prevented on"? FFS Also the (doubtless Eton educated) fools describe those neutral to the questions as "Neither Agree or Disagree". Have the cretins never heard of the Either/Or Neither/Nor rule?

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