The Incredible Story of Rory the Tory

by Loopy Lou née Choons, our harebrained scheme correspondent

rory-weepsRory Stewart is the Conservative MP for Penrith and The Border. He passionately wishes Scotland to stay within his (and our) beloved Union and is willing to go to extraordinary lengths to achieve his dreams.

Earlier this year, Rory made a wonderful BBC documentary in which he successfully demonstrated that large areas of Scotlandshire do not even exist.

The Borders area, he argues, was once some kind of 'middle land', known historically as Rorytania, and thus was never part of either Scotlandshire or England. This proves, claims Rory, that we must all just forget about this rather unpleasant separation nonsense and simply be nice to one another instead.

However, since his documentary was broadcast, Rory has taken a more hands-on approach to independence and has begun to organise and promote several unusual schemes designed to keep the Scots in order.

The earliest of these was 'Hands across the Border' which invited people from all the UK nations (but not foreigners of course) to meet and form a human chain spanning the length of Hadrian's wall. It was estimated that around 100,000 people would be required to complete the chain, particularly as the UK is much wider at Hadrian's wall than it is at the actual border, which lies some 50 miles to the North.

This plan was quietly abandoned when only one other person signed up, leading Rory to issue the following statement:

ukokayWe've now decided that rather than pushing the human chain – which has proved logistically very difficult – we are going to work on something more straightforward and more enduring. So we have come up with what we feel is a better plan!

We wanted to come up with a lasting marker of our union. Something more accessible for the young and old. Something that future generations will look at and remember, with deep gratitude: the moment we chose to stay together.


The replacement plan is for the construction of a giant cairn in a field near Gretna which will represent the arranged marriage of Scotlandshire to England. For reasons which he has yet to articulate, Rory feels that the Union would be best represented by an unstable pile of useless rubble with no discernible purpose or utility.

lumley However, despite its being graced by the presence of the fragrant Joanna Lumley alongside such lovers of Scottish culture as Simon Sharma and David Starkey, the project seems doomed to certain failure. For, just like those who formed the Union it represents, the builders of the cairn have failed to request the permission of the people of Scotlandshire (in this case planning permission) before embarking on their task.

Furthermore, and just as aptly, the structure envisaged by Rory would be almost certain to cause serious harm to anyone foolishly venturing inside, as it tumbles down upon their heads.

Sadly, and despite having a succession of loopy but wealthy 'celebrity' devotees from the Home Counties, the project has yet to achieve even 20% of its fundraising target and seems likely to fall far short of the ambitious £55,000 target.

As a consequence of the above and, more critically, having now had sight of the more than £300,000 worth of secret polling conducted by the UK Government, Rory has adopted a new plan. One which no longer includes any further attempts to win over the hearts of the people of Scotlandshire.

rory-cairnEarlier today, Rory told this channel, "I couldn't believe the evidence of my own eyes. This massive survey of Scottish opinion shows unequivocally that the Union is already lost.

"A majority of Scots are now intending to vote for Separation - and worse still, the remaining undecided voters are most likely to vote Yes, by a factor of 4:1. The UK cannot be saved!

"Sudenly my campaign to save our lovely family of nations seems pointless. All I can do is lament what might have been and share my feelings with what will remain of Great Britain. If only I could have done more!" he sobbed.

Consequently, on the morning of 19th of September, Rory the Tory plans to travel (with a full BBC camera team) to the Northernmost edge of his constituency.

rory-shocked As dawn approaches he will step towards the very border whose existence he still denies. He will then turn his head and, live in glorious High Definition, he will watch as the rising sun begins to kiss the uplands of the emergent Scottish nation.

For the rest of the day, in hourly bulletins on BBC4, Rory will try to ignore the sounds of celebration wafting toward him on the soft Northern breeze as, fingers pressed firmly in his ears, he weeps quietly and alone for the Union he once loved so much.

Viewers in Scotland will have their own programmes.

Related Articles


The Grauniad : Scottish independence: MP's cairn campaign aims to pile up the no vote

Hands Across the Border : Please join Joanna Lumley at The Auld Acquaintance Cairn


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