By Reelwee Bigott, Our Very British Tolerance Correspondent

Leaks from within the splittist subversive movement have dogged their campaign from the beginning. The curs continues as its senior canine consultant cocks its leg against a lamppost and pisses them off with the revealed truth.

British hero and U-KIP (insomnia cure for the over-fives) David Co**burn [1] said, after hearing that Dictator Eck had been elsewhere than a Free Kirk on Lewis, "there was Alex Salmond off down to the mosque. If we had done something like that or gone off to the Roman Catholic cathedral, we would be accused of sectarianism."

We have huge admiration for U-KIP (sometimes sleep is slow to come, and counting U-KIP voters in Scotlandshire takes a lot less time than counting their sheep).

We also have huge admiration for the Orange Lodge when they campaign against splittism for totally non-sectarian reasons.

As a "fair and balanced" channel (© Fox News), however, we welcome Mr Co**burn's highlighting that the media are overwhelmingly biased toward the SNP. Just look at how the Daily Record lead article urges people to vote SNP, just to prevent that most British of British parties gaining a seat. This leads to a worry that the Daily Record may well be going over to the darkside of Scotlandshire's spoof media - just like the traitors of the Sunday Herald [double spit].

Hence, our mission to provide balance by exposing the SNP's failings. Much has been made of the Westminster Labour and Conservative parties hiring American political adviser from Obama's team, but nothing has been said about the SNP's importing a Spanish special adviser!

Code named "Wee Ginger Dug" by the Natz Politburo, we can exclusively reveal that his real name is "Perrito Valenciano", who is a specialist in dirty political tricks, or as his handler describes it, his "mission in life is to pee on the lamp-post of British Unionist pretensions."

Using the latest high-tech Cybernat detection device, we have broken the codes and accessed the daily instruction manual (or should that be "Manuel"???) sent to Natz High Command by Valenciano.

We can exclusively bring you this shocking revelation from Valenciano's own mouth about the purported leader of Scotlandshire -

Donald Trump is going to make a video demanding that Al-Iqsammin show his birth certificate, which will prove beyond all doubt that he is in fact a gay shoplifting communist Roma Muslim Romanian windfarm engineer asylum seeker on benefits who can’t be deported because he’s got a cat.

So, when you go to vote for the despicable European Parliament, vote anything EXCEPT SNP (and Green, of course). Otherwise, you will help to destroy the glorious Christian Democratic Union of Greater Britain, where English Bishops make laws for Scotlandshire.

For your own protection, in the months to come -

1. DON'T read the treacherous media like the Daily Record

2. DO look out for our new service which will give hourly updates on your safety

3. DO make regular checks on Valenciano's reports to Al-Iqsammin

4. DON'T step on the wet patches near lamposts. If you do, you will lay a trail directly to your home, where Valenciano can direct murderous cybernats to threaten your children. Don't make Cara Hilton's mistake!

[1] We are unsure as to why Mr Co**burn has missed out the traditional two letters that should be there for his name in Scotlandshire. Why is he ashamed of his cock? Has he never been at a civilized dinner party where, after the ladies have retired, the gentleman get pissed out of their skulls by passing the Cockburn's Port around the table? He may well be a bounder! Still, as long as he's one of our bounders ....

Related Articles

Wee Ginger Dug : Escaping plans for Nigel

Newsnet Scotland [spit!] : Salmond rounds on UKIP after its Euro candidate attacks First Minister's Mosque visit

Daily Record : Record View: European election is not irrelevant for Scots - UKIP must be stopped

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