Last orders in a nation of drunks

By kind permission of  Wee Ginger Dug, Our Bevvy Merchant Correspondent

old-man-drinking-whiskey-and-smokingShee that fuckn Alicshammin. Shee whit he’sh fuckn cawin ush noo? Fuckn nation a fuckn drunksh sho we ur. At’sh whit he sayed aye, sayed so in the Shcotshman. Mush be true. He’sh been at the voddie wi his pal Vlad… Naaaw shtraightup. You cawin me a liar pal?

Whit you laffin fur? Dae you no know who ah mur? Dae ye? Right. A’m a fuckn MP so fuckn shutit.

Haw Jim, Jim … shee’sh ush wan o thae boatles err. Naawww, the super stremf cider ya clown. Nane a that fuckn Newton Merrns wine wank.

Right, noo, fuckn shutit, where wis ah …

Cannae haud his wine that Alicsammin. Caws hissel Scottish. Cannae haud his wine. Fuckn hate im. He’ll no fuckn tell me ah’ve hud enough. Nation a drunks ma erse. Fuckn Alicshammin.

Gie’s another wan ae thae boatles err.

He waants tae make us pey mair fur wur swally. Fuckn baaaaaastert.

See that Alicshammin, pure dead embarrassment so he is. Pure showin up he gie’s ye. No lik me. Ah kin haud ma swally. So ah kin. Naedbie fae Labour’s ever gied a showin up like that. Nivver. The House a Commons committee sayed it was aw jist a wee misunderstandin. Disnae count. Ah peyed it back. Ah’ve goat the receipts an a note fae ma maw.

Nation a drunks. Ah’m pure affrontit. You should be affrontit too. See whit he sayed? Fuckn Alicsammin. He sayed

“… there is something deep about Scotland’s relationship with alcohol that is about self-image – lack of confidence, maybe, as a nation – and we have to do something about it.”

He’s jist sayed your maw’s an alkie. So he huz. Is that no some cheek. You should be angry. Ah’m tellin ye tae be beelin, that’s how you should be angry. Fuckn Alicsammin.

mirrorFuckn self image. Ah look in the mirror an ah hink ah look pure great. So ah dae. An it’s no cheap this self image. You should see ma dry cleanin bills. Ah huv tae dae aw that fur youse. You owe me. So’s Ah look good on the telly. Kiz Ah’m a fuckn Labour MP.

No lik him. Ah hate him. He’s jist vain. No lik me. Fuckn Alicsammin.

Whit dae ye mean, see wursels as ithers sees us. Ah kin see you’re bein a wide-o, ya wee bastert. Ah’m a Labour MP. You’ll respeck me. Kiz Ah’m a fuckn Labour MP. Ah’m the peepil’s party me.

Who’re you cawin a sell out? Wi yer wee hoose and yer wee life. Ah fuckn made sumhin ae masel. Ah peyed ma dues, done ma time. Ah done whit the party waantit. So youse fuckn owe me. It’s jist ferr. Ah huv tae go and deal wi aw these important people and pretend lik Ah gie a shit. No lik youse. Fuckn no marks tellin me whit tae dae. That wull be right. Don’t youse talk tae me aboot self image. Fuckn Alicsammin.

Haw err a polis, moan huv a wee dance. Mooaaan… ya humourless bastert. Wur jist huvin a wee laff.

Whit’s it aw fur anyway? We’ve goat nae language, we jist talk shite instead. We’ve goat nae culture, jist look at me. Ah’m a fuckn Labour MP.

Ah love Scotland. Ah really love it. Ah love it so much ah’ve goat four hooses. That’s four times mair than you. Ah love Scotland four times mair than you. Ah’m proud. Ah’m dead proud. Whit huv you goat tae be proud ae but me? You owe me. Ah’m a fuckn Labour MP.

Fuckn Alicshammin. Disnae waant tae talk aboot isshsooosh. No lik me. Pleys the fuckn man no the baw. So he diz. No lik me. Fuckn hate im.

Don’t gie me that pish. Don’t gie me that. Sayin yer no votin fur Alicsammin, ye’re votin fur independence. Well yese urnae. Ah’m the politician. Ah’m the expert. Ah’ll tell youse whit yese ur votin fur. At’s the wey it works.

Whit dae yese waant tae chynge it fur? Jist gaunnie no? Fuckn Alicsammin.

Gie’s another boatle err.

That was a party political broadcast on behalf of the Scottish Labour Party.


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