Iran to Gift its Oil to England – Exclusive

By Brent Crood, Our Energy Correspondent

Rouhani-barsNewly elected Iranian president Hassan Rouhani has made his inaugural speech on the Iranian economy. During his address, which is normally a formal and uninteresting affair, he made an announcement which has shocked the international community.

Mr Rouhani, who last month succeeded former premier Mahmoud Achmadinnersbad, announced that he intends to petition the UK government, asking them to take over responsibility for the administration of all Iranian oil revenues as a matter of urgency.

In a move which has shades of Iran's pre-revolution situation in the 1960's and 70's, the president offered the UK a deal which has been described by economists as 'incredibly generous', 'downright crazy' and even 'pure f**kin' mental'.

If the UK government accepts the proposed Iranian scheme, the London treasury will collect all of Iran's vast oil revenues, and will be required to pay back less than 10% of the total tax take to the Islamic Republic in return, keeping the balance for themselves.

Mr Mahmoud Isawfy, the Persian Energy Minister, told BBC Scotlandshire, “This deal makes a lot of sense for Iran and its people.

“While oil prices have been generally rising for many years, and we fully expect they will continue to do so in the future as global reserves diminish, there is still a significant fluctuation in the spot price from day to day.

“Rather than burden the Persian people with this degree of economic uncertainty, we have decided to outsource the management of our energy reserves to the English, who have helped us out in this manner before. Before the revolution in my country, the company which is now known as BP owned all of the oil reserves in Iran. And how we miss those days now.

Brent-crood“Iran is consequently happy to give away more than 90% of our income in order to stabilise the value of the little bit that's left. Uncertainty, after all, is far worse than poverty and must be avoided at all costs – even when this seems to make no sense whatsoever.

"The president learned this while studying in Glasgow.

"There were many people there from a small right-wing pressure group called the 'Labour Party in Scotlandshire' and they explained to him that the people of Scotlandshire had been benefiting from a similar deal for the last 40 years.

“They told the president that a group of malcontents known as the Scottish Nose Pickers or SNP were always banging on about it being Scotlandshire's oil.

"But, they also reassured him that most people in Scotlandshire accepted that they would be unable to sleep at night were they subjected to the terrible uncertainty of having control of all their resources. And the president naturally saw the sense of this straight away.

“He was also very impressed by how well our neighbours in Iraq are doing since the USA has been helping them to avoid the uncertainty of their own oil. Obviously, Persians would be a little upset if we simply gave all our income away to the 'Great Satan', so outsourcing to England was a good compromise for us.”

Peter Crud-Ass, a spokesbanker for the Treasury and disgraced treasurer of the Conservative Party, told this reporter, “We couldn't believe our luck when the Iranian offer came in. More accurately, we couldn't believe another country would be stupid enough to fall for such a palpably ridiculous argument. I still don't know how we got anyone in Scotlandshire to take it seriously.

“That said, we fully expect the good people of Scotlandshire to reject separation and remain within the ample bosom of the UK family. However, totally off the record, we have been shitting ourselves thinking about the financial consequences for England of a successful vote for separation. And the polls are not looking that brilliant for our side, with the separatists needing less than a 5% swing with over a year to go.

“If we lose all the cash from the Scotlandshire account, we'll never be able to finish Crossrail, never mind pay for HS2 and everything else. It was only a few years ago we finally paid off the debt from WW2, and now we still owe a fortune for Iraq, Afghanistan, Lybia and Syria. We've been relying on the income stream from oil for so long now that we don't really have a 'plan B'.

Crud-ass“And then we'll have all the unpleasantness about finding a new home for Trident, and paying for it to be moved, just to replace it a few years later at even greater expense.

"On top of that, the Chinese want a Trillion pounds back in 2018 - they have other plans for their cash now. Frankly, we're f—ked!

“There's only so much cash we can squeeze out of the poor and the crippled, so we may have to start taxing the middle classes just to pay the bills. And that would be like shitting on our own doorstep. It really won't do.

“But this new Iranian Wonga will replace the loss of petro-groats quite nicely, so we can finally afford to say 'bugger off' to those chippy jockstraps without worrying about having to go back to the IMF for another sub. Did I mention the subs...”

We finally managed to contact president Rouhani himself, who gave us this brief statement. We apologise for the quality of his English, which is not his first language.

“Ma wee china Johann telt me thit Scoatlandshire hud the best ae baith wurlds. She said Scoatlandshire gits so much cash fae Wess-minster thit Labour sometimes coudnae even think o' onythin' tae spend it oan – so they just gied it back tae Ingland. Billions 0' pounds an aw. Ah wis fair impressed wi that.

“Johann telt me that this only stoapped when they Nose-Pickers goat in and kept aw the cash fur thursells. They're pure greedy buggers, so they ur. No a singil thought in thur heaids fur the pair wee wains in Liverpool or Cardiff.

“Weel, Labour's deal's the kind o' deal Ah want fur ma ain people. Nae wurries, nae problems an' mair cash than you can even spend. That's why ah'm gonnae copy Scoatlandshire and gie maist o' oor oil money tae the English.

“Margbaar Amrika, Naft baroye Engelestan.1

subwayA spokesnat for Alex Salmond told us, “Perhaps the Treasury could raise a few bob by flogging Trident to the Iranians when we remove it from the Clyde. Mind you, if Tehran lets London get its hands on their oil, they'll barely have enough cash left to buy a 6-inch meatball marinara sub, never mind a 560-foot nuclear one. (gag © 2011 Iain Gray MSP)”

Reclining Chairchoob of the Scottish Affairs Select Committee for Traitorous Westminster Arseholes-Together, Favouring an Always Conservative England, Ian Davidson MP interjected, “Ya wee dancer! Ma erse wis goin' 'half-a-croon/shillin' wurryin aboot ma retirement - fur the polls wurnae gawin sae weel fur us.

“Bit noo Ah dinnae even need tae persuade ma consti'uents in Govan tae become a Croon dependency jist soas ah kin keep ma joab and win ma ermine. F**kin' magic, so it is.

“Ah'm lousin' early the day an headin' aff hame fur a quick recline,” he ejaculated.

Pretend leader of 'Labour in Scotlandshire', Johann Lamont, was unavailable for comment (or anything else) as she was nowhere to be found.

1 Translation: Death for America, Oil for England.


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