By Dram Toper, Our Spirituous Liquors Correspondent

Loyal Unionist staff at the Daily Record were so incensed at the destruction of Scotland's whisky industry by the incompetent separatists in the Scottish Government THAT THEY COULD NOT SIT UP STRAIGHT ENOUGH TO WRITE AN ARTICLE ON WORLD WHISKY DAY!

"We were all set to publish a major series on whisky", said an insider, "and we had sampled all the whiskies we could get hold of

- including several bottles of a special-edition 60-year-old Macallan. Mind you, that was before we realised it wasn't £16.50 a bottle, but £16,500 a bottle. Still, as we told the editor, 'You can't put a price on good journalism, and you can't count zeros'.

"Then we heard that not a single World Whisky Day event had been organised in Antarctica. How typical of Salmond's vainglorious boasting about 'world domination', when the world's 5th biggest continent hasn't been conquered by Diageo.

"So we just put up a cartoon of Salmond as a Nazi, and retired to the pub."

The world's ony historian of the glorious British Empire, David Starkers sneered, "That's why Scotlandshire can't go it alone. Only the common purpose of all of us in these islands allowed the British Empire to bring civilisation to inferior peoples, as we did in teaching the Chinese that mixing medicinal opium with tobacco and smoking it was a really cool thing to do.

"Of course, when the Chinese Government tried to stop their people from buying it, and British merchants from selling it, Lord Palmerston was 'Stronger Together' to send in the gunboats and force them to carry on buying British opium.

"Salmond is too weak, and can never have the military strength to get the Antarcticans to buy mind-altering drugs like Britain did in the good old days."

A spokeschick from the separatist front organisation, The Scottish Ornithologists' Club, protested that getting penguins addicted to alcohol by pouring Glenfiddich down their throats would be animal cruelty "as well as a waste of a bloody good whisky - and anyway, penguins don't have any money".

That response was ridiculed by Anas Sarwar, real leader of Labour in Scotlandshire. "Tesco Everyday Value Scotch Whisky is only £11.50 a bottle, and most of that is tax, which wouldn't be levied in Antarctica, so there is no economic reason not to get the penguins hooked on the stuff. While they don't use the pound - and we won't let them use the pound - they have a continent full of huge natural resources, which we could take in exchange. The separatists just don't understand how Empire works."

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