By Proddy O'Shinner, Our Northern Ireland Correspondent

In an astonishing statement, Northern Ireland's First Minister Peter Robinson said "People of Scotland .. if you want more fiscal autonomy than you have at the present time, the only way to have it is through independence."

The Democratic Unionist leader was speaking after a frustrating meeting with UK PM David Cameron, where Cameron reportedly told the Northern Ireland Ministers "You can shove your corporation tax power ideas up your Erse. You lot, I can do without, but to keep the UK afloat I need Scotlandshire's cash."

A spokesman for Cameron said the talks had been "constructive".

The furious Robinson was reported to have added "That fu**ing lot in Downing Street need a fu**cking bomb under them, to get them see sense" but DFM Martin McGuiness reminded him that that had already been tried and hadn't worked either.

Democratic Unionist MP, Sammy Wilson, said that the clear message for the Scots was that Westminster might make all kinds of placatory noises about futher devolution, but when push came to shove they would remember that "Northern Ireland made a good case for devolved powers and you [Cameron] refused them. If that's the way, then is there any alternative to full independence?"

Mr McGuinness said the coalition was unwilling to act until after the Scottish separation referendum on September 18, 2014.

"It is very, very clear from the meeting that the whole issue of the referendum in Scotland is playing in big time to this debate on corporation tax and I think it is absolutely clear that no decision will be taken on this issue this side of the Scottish referendum," he said, "That also means that Downing Street is lying through its teeth about being unconcerned about the referendum result. The wee bastards are shitting themselves over it," he allegedly added.

Both Robinson and McGuiness went out of their way to stress the close links and bonds between Scotlandshire and Northern Ireland. "Both countries  have the same two linguistic traditions - Scots and Gaelic ; both produce quality whiskey : both are really crap at football : and both have a deep and abiding love of animals," said a Press Officer.

I had to explain to Scottish colleagues that the latter was a reference to the recent case in Tyrone where  a blind man, with a torch strapped to his head, was caught in cattle barn wearing a balaclava made from the leg of old tracksuit bottoms, with rubber gloves and a broom shaft. They would be aware of this kind of love story, though I understand that Scots generally prefer sheep.

A spokesgrunt for "Glasgow Rangers Fans Against the SNP and Alex Salmond" seemed confused.

After hearing Robinson's comments, the condition deteriorated, "Uh, eh, whit's 'at, pal. Eh? You whit? So whit side um ah supposed tae be oan noo? Kin ah still hate that fat Salmond bastirt cos ah really hate him eh?"

Related Articles

Herald : PM is playing into hands of SNP, warns Robinson 

Belfast Telegraph : Corporation tax decision after 2014

Belfast Telegraph : Blind Tyrone man caught in cattle barn with rubber glove and broom shaft

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