By R Slicker, Our Internal Affairs Correspondent

A commemorative dinner was held at Atlantic Quay last night in honour of George Cunningham, Labour MP for Islington, who brilliantly persuaded Westminster that all dead and missing voters in the 1979 referendum on creating an Assembly for Scotlandshire would be vehement No voters.

BBC Scotlandshire DG, Kenny McQuarrel, welcomed the guests saying, "Dear George could not be contacted to attend this event. Alas, he has disappeared - might even be dead for all we know.

"He defected to the Social Democrats 3 years after his success, then lost his seat a year later, returning him to the obscurity that had marked almost all of his political career. That he saved Scotlandshire from devolution for a further 20 years, and allowed our beloved Mrs Thatcher to determine Health and Education policy, together with the creation of our glorious local government structure, during that time, is what makes this nonentity worthy of commemoration tonight. Tonight, we also pay tribute to all the dead who have done so much to keep power at Westminster."

McQuarrel continued, "Among those political cadavers we should include a tribute to those Labour MPs who absented themselves from voting against the Bedroom Tax - Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling, Ian Davidson, Tom Harris, Michael McCann, and Fiona O'Donnell, as well as the walking dead among the Liberal Democrats who were with them in the bar as the vote was conducted - Danny Alexander, Malcolm Bruce, Menzies Campbell, Mike Crockart, Charles Kennedy, Alan Reid, Robert Smith, and John Thurso, although pride of place among the political dead must go to David Mundell, Alistair Carmichael, Michael Moore, and Jo Swinson who voted positively for this demonstration of Westminster power over Scotlandshire."

This tribute was greeted with loud applause while the keynote speaker, Brian Wilson rose to his knees.

Wilson impressed his audience by starting, "I'm going to show you that the future is the past : that the past is the future : that Left is Right : that Right is Left behind : that from Tweed to tweed Scotlandshire is extinguished : that London is our capital and that Capital rules London.

"As we drown the Natz in patriotic British Imperialist fervour in 2014, we too can ask with WWI poet Rupert Brooke

'Stands the Church clock at ten to three?
And is there honey still for tea?'

To which we will answer in chorus with Alec Douglas-Home, Thatcher, Cameron, Clegg and so many others - 'Nae chance, but you may get jam tomorrow'.

"The fears of the separatists are totally justified. 'Jam tomorrow' won in 1979, and it will win again 35 years later", said Wilson. "Not that Cameron is likely to have much to do with the post-referendum situation. Given theTweedledum/Tweedlwedee nature of British politics, Labour should be back in power in 2015 for a couple of terms - which takes us to 2025.

"Douglas Alexander has already outlined the strategy. A Convention will talk about the constitutional status for those 10 years, then the Tories will return to office again, and can be relied on to totally ignore its conclusions. By 2035, when Labour returns, the 'Scotland 2025' report will be outdated, so a new Convention will be required. Thus the cycle endlessly repeats.

"None of this would have been possible without George's amendment, which meant that on 2nd March 1979 Scotland woke up to find itself through the looking glass, in a world where Yes meant No, and the living dead stalked the land."

Guests were served glasses of the national drink - pints of "Fuller's London Pride" and Wilson proposed the toast "Rebellious Scots to crush".

Guest speaker, Gavrilo Princip, of the Greater United Expansionist Serbian Territories (Pitlessie Branch) proposed the toast "Ujedinjenje ili Smrt" (Union or Death), that his namesake had shouted when he murdered the devolutionist Archduke Franz Ferdinand in Sarajevo that started the First World War in 1914.

"However", he said," when I look at all the glorious heroes who have secured power for the master race, the toast should have been "Ujedinjenje NA Smrt" (Union AND Death). Alexander, Caesar, Charlemagne, Ivan the Terrible, Boris the Horrible (though he may still live), Clive of India, Wolfe of Quebec, Gordon of Khartoum, all fought valiantly to subject inferior peope to civilized rule. Yet, when the history of this momentous moment in history is written, few will receive more lavish praise than my fellow Fifer, the late, great Wullie Rennie of Kelty. Honour the dead, Ladies and Gentlemen!"

Many diners reported hearing a voice floating in the ether at this point, "Good on ye. Bit whit can ye dae, eh? Fares please, fur the ferry tae the sticks."

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