By Lickspittle Gallagher (BA Cantab - failed), Our History Correspondent

History teachers in Scotlandshire are due to vote on strike action in protest against the separatist government's agenda of destroying 300 years of history. “It's terrifying,” Brain Wilson, historian and Hootsman bile-monger said yesterday in the Gurdian, Hoostman and to anyone else who'd listen. “300 years of history will be unravelled if the separatists have their evil way and break up Britain.”

Campaigning group “History Profs against separation” have called for the strike ballot insisting that the wanton destruction of huge tracts of their subject could render them unemployed and unemployable. “We're talking the whole of the industrial revolution, the invention of modern science, the first and second world wars....” Strathclyde professor Neil Ithic commented. “I've spent my entire life becoming an expert on these subjects, now it's all to be ripped from me for Salmond's vanity project.”

It also emerged today from witnesses to a Westminster committee that it is entirely uncertain where the geographic boundaries of the history destruction would fall. The British Empire played such a huge part in the story of the world, the committee heard, that destruction of 300 years of British history could have a catastrophic impact on the past and present right across the world.

The American, French and Russian Revolutions, to name just three examples, could all quite literally disappear from the history books leaving only pages of blank space. And potentially a very confused French monarch.

Foreign Office minister Sir Quentin Crisp-Packet-Smyth speaking in front of the Scottish  Affairs Committee Railing Against Vile Evil Nationalists Stealing History & Insulting Time (Chairchoob Ian Davidson) said, “this really does add a whole angle to Scottish separation we had not previously considered at the FO. History is not simply a dead subject, but one which very much impacts on the present. For example, if 300 years of British history are unravelled or destroyed, what happens to countries like India and Pakistan? And what of the Middle East? Frankly it could be a terrible guddle if we are forced by the separatists to lose the past 300 years. Though in the case of the Middle East it, perhaps, couldn't make things any worse.”

The second witness to the committee, physicist Joules Watt, quizzed by Davidson on what destroying 300 years of history could mean said, “Crikey, well, in a physics sense, it would rip a hole in the space-time continuum and lead to all manner of issues around cause and effect. The universe works on a principle of time as an arrow and entropy. It would be impossible to destroy 300 years of British history, or to unravel it, without falling into a quantum paradox of such a scale of uncertainty it would beat even a Better Together pamphlet. I mean, would any of us even remain alive if the past 300 years disappeared?”

The committee also heard from Charles Dickens, Lord Admiral Nelson, Bonnie Prince Charlie, Hitler and Queen Victoria. Henry VIII also briefly appeared before realising he wouldn't be affected as he lived before the 300 year “union period” being destroyed. And the committee tottie wasn't even that hot. All spoke of their deep unease at the prospect of being written out of history after Salmond's referendum in 2014. Queen Victoria commented, “One is not amused.”

Ian Davidson said, “see, ah telt yis, but syne  yous didnae believe me, there's an eminent physicist saying it. They separatist natz plans ur “impossible” and wid create wan ay yon quantum paradox thingies, massive uncertainty, and we'd aw be deed. And Queen Victoria doesnae like it. And whit wid ma local be called if no the Vicky bar, eh? Ah'm no drinking in the Salmond Arms that's fir sure.”

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Better Together : Almost every statement includes "300 years of history".

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