By Quentin Letsno, Our Social Incompetent Correspondent

A Conservative MP is today is calling on the government to introduce a pre-paid welfare cash card. MP for Scunthorpe, Jevin Sir-Beaverbrooke Gradgrind suggests the card should be given to those on benefits to prevent them wasting their money on alcohol, cigarettes, satellite television and gambling.

The millionaire heir of a carpet and upholstery dynasty yesterday claimed, 'This new card is exactly what the paupers of Englandshire (NB Scotlandshire editors, please change to “the UK” for North British editions) need in order to lift them from their sad, worthless and parasitic lives of idleness. The making-wads-of-dosh-from-privatised-public-services company A4TOSSerco is believed to have been awarded the £10 million a year contract to provide the cards, along with a smaller one of £2 million to provide bells for all sick, disabled and poverty-stricken people, so decent, hard-working strivers can better avoid them.

Lord Pecksniff of Abergavenny, director of A4TOSSerco said yesterday, “this is a fantastic project, and not simply because it will personally net me millions. We are delighted to be involved in an initiative that puts the needs of the workshy scroungers first - a return, if you like, to traditional English values.

"And this is precisely what this card does. For too long unemployment, disability and poverty has led to inexcusable health inequalities in this country. And that is purely and simply because the poor spend their money irresponsibly on such non-essential luxuries as alcohol, drugs, chips and sitting on their fat backsides watching Jeremy Kyle with Pretzels.

"As a society and government, we owe it to these people to help them help themselves and this card, along with other exciting and innovative new ideas in this Low Earners and Paupers Enforced Re-education Bill will enable and empower them to pull themselves out of their devastating health behaviours. And return to work, albeit possibly for no pay initially. We already have exciting opportunities with an international carpet and upholstery company, for example, and others are keen to follow its example”

However, Labour MP Margaret M'Choakumchild said Gradgrind's bill did not go far enough in helping the most excluded and vulnerable. 'It's all very well,' the Glasgow MP told BBC Scotlandshire's Sunday Politics, 'trying to help the poorest in society, and tackle the appalling health inequalities they bring on themselves. But this bill misses the point. People are losing their homes due to the bedroom tax, and finding themselves unemploymed, sick or disabled - sometimes even through no fault of their own. Labour, therefore, proposes a far more radical approach to tacking the related problems of housing and employment.

As yet, Labour have no policy on this, or indeed on anything else. However, leaked documents from their think tank, Labour Exchange, suggest revolutionary plans for tackling the unemployment and housing benefit scourge that has dogged the coalition's deficit reduction plans.

Speaking on Sunday politics, Lord Pecksniff speculated that Labour's plans may also include his company, who would be paid to provide both jobs and housing for some long term benefit claimants, 'It is a tremendously exciting initiative,' he mused, 'in which the longer term unemployed will be referred to our company and we will integrate both housing and employment, finding both for them, under one roof where they can use their new benefits card to for healthy, nourishing food like gruel.

It is an initiative we may call something like, houses of work or working homes. We will be working in partnership with  builders and carpet and upholstery companies to provide the highest quality housing at lowest possible cost. This will be a truly a radical policy, designed to deal with the entirely new and modern problem of idleness . Along with the scroungers cards and LEPER bells it could provide the kind of seamless, joined up state people really want for those who are less fortunate than themselves.

Ian Davidson, Chairchoob of the Committee for the Rich Ensuring All Love Servile Cowering Respect Of Unionism; Negating Groundless Egress Regionally wasn't asked for a comment on this story, as welfare is entirely a reserved Westminster issue, something he is keen to keep that way.

However, BBC Scotlandshire was accosted by him outside the Strangers Bar and he insisted on commenting anyway.  Although it was hard to make out what he was saying it was something like, “Well, if youse think Ah'm gonnae stand by an' no comment yous have goat anither think comin', OK? Ah'm gonnae be heard oan this, because whit they're dae'in here, it's no right. It really isnae. Ah am angry. There are folk in this hoose, and ithers ootside it wha'r benefitting fae the poorest in oor society bein' demonised and destitutionalised. And they folk are maistly yon separatist Nat bastirts and their fat controller Eck. Oh aye, they separatists will be jist lovin' this, eh? Well that should tell yis something aboot them and their values eh, that they'd use something like this tae further their evil separatist agenda.”

Both Lord Pecksniff and Jevin Sir-Beaverbrooke Gradgrind were invited to appear in front of Holyrood's welfare reform committee but declined due to Scotlandshire being too cold, too far away, potentially dangerous and irrelevant. 

Related Articles

 BBC UK : Community campaigner says welfare cash cards 'divisive'

BBC UK : Should claimants be paid vouchers to stop spending on 'vices'?

Comments

Due to the huge number of complaints, comments are no longer banned on BBC Scotlandshire News pages.

Comments or no comments, it's still OUR job to tell YOU what to think - NOT the other way around.