By Nat Butcher, our Political Correspondent

The Scottish Conservative and Unionist party has decided to abandon the Internet and concentrate on more traditional forms of persuasion, such as planting false stories in the Scottish press, a Tory insider has revealed.

News of the Tory online U-turn became public on Friday 21 December, when the Tory Hoose site was suspended, leading to speculation that the party had simply forgotten to pay their ISP.

Tory Hoose was a web site designed to allow Scottish Tories to discuss their more loony policy ideas away from the main stream. It also provided a platform for some of the more swivel-eyed racist groups within the party to express their hatred, and for hard-line right wingers to discuss just how much more the poor should be made to suffer in the name of low personal taxation.

It became obvious that the suspension was not due to an administrative oversight, however, when the Tory Hoose twitter page was also suspended. The corresponding Tory Hoose Facebook page still exists, but contains only links to articles which are no longer available. The site URL, which is provided by three.co.uk, has been paid until 5 July 2013.

Political opponents have lamented the passing of Tory Hoose, including SNP MSP Humza Yosuf, who told BBC Scotlandshire:

"I used to enjoy the odd visit to Tory Hoose. OK, it could sometimes get a bit racist, but it still contained some of the most amusing articles on the internet. Occasionally it was even funnier than BBC Scotlandshire, and that's saying something. Personally, I'll miss it."

Scottish Tory MSP David McLetchie said: "I thought Tory Hoose was a brilliant idea. However, I could never understand why so few of the dozens of visitors each month seemed to be from non-Tory parties.

"Eventually we hit on the idea of re-tweeting members of the Orange Order, BNP, UKIP and so on, and we saw the hits going up dramatically, but it was just too little too late, and only a few of the ones from the Order had a vote in Scotland anyway, the others all live south of the border.

"So, we decided to return to traditional values and planted a wee spoof story in the Scotsman suggesting that the HMRC's reticence to collect taxes from large companies was all Alex Salmond's fault, because he once said something nice about new jobs in Amazon. We even got his picture at the top of the story. That's the type of thing we Tories know and like."

Leader of the now defunct Scottish Lib Dems oor Wullie Rennie was asked if he too would miss Tory Hoose. He said:

"What I won't miss are the links the Tory Hoose site was developing with the Orange Order and other racist and sectarian groups. Of course, Labour have been doing the same, which is probably why Labour Hame has died as well. But hey, whit can you do, eh?"

Labour's Ian Davidson, a prominent Tory spokesned and chairchoob of the Scottish Affairs Committee on Failing Unionists Constantly Kindling Their Hatred of Everything, Wrapped in English Bias, growled:

"It turns oot that the lodges wur a much mair effective way tae spread racist and sectarian shite than the interweb, so they shut the Tory hame site doon. It was a bit too public for that sort ay stuff in ony case.

"Besides, maist ay thay nutters cannay read or write, and the wans that can ur aw too auld tae use a computer, so it was eiways a bit pointless huvvin a web site fur thum. Aw the visitors wur cybernatz bastirts goin oan fur a laugh.

"We wurked oot that aw thon nutters need is a room wi a few Union Jacks, a picture ay the Queen wi King Billy, an some cheap beer, an they're aw as happy as Larry. We offered them a few mair marches in Glesgae tae nick their vote fae the Tories, an they wur fine wi that. We might no ay done very well, but we stoaped the natz fae takin ower the toon.

"The trubble wi the blue Tories in Scoatlandshire is that there isnae much support fur heartless greedy wankers in the first place, and we've choried aw their claes years ago in ony case. So, there's no really ony point tae thum ony mair.

"Plus, when we decidit tae drap aw wur ane policies, there wusnae ony point tae Labour Hame eether, so we've jist let it die a death oan its ain. That wan wus aye fu ay f--kin cybernatz an aw. Ye coudnae git a f--kin wurd in edgewiys fur Braveheart c-nts. 

"Wu'll probably shut it doon an aw next year an yase the money fur mare Union Jack buntin' tae celebrate the stairt ay the Great War wi the other Tories. That'll dae the business, aw right.

"An that's us aw finisht wi the internet. We're goin back tae lyin tae every c-nt in person and oan the telly. Merry f—kin Christmas."

Furtive leader of Labour in Scotlandshire Johann Lamont was unavailable for comment as she was spamming the refresh button on Tory Hoose in the hope of developing new policy ideas for her cuts commission.

Related Articles

Tory Hoose: Fresh Thinking for Scottish Conservatism

Labour Hame: Where Scottish Labour can discuss the way forward without falling out. Mostly.

The Hootsmon: Anger as big firms pay less tax – and small ones have to fork out more

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