By Johnny Bossyman, Head of News and Bias

I have been criticised for last night's article when I referred to the Sunday Herald as "Bastirts, fuc*ing bastirts". I accept the criticism - my comments weren't nearly strong enough.

As long as splittism was left outwith the realms of "normality", a massive vote in support of the Empire was inevitable. However, as soon as bagpipe blowing lions were thought to be "mainstream", decent society was under threat.

When the Editor of the Sunday Herald unilaterally decided to sell out to the forces of darkness, and force decent journalists like Ian McWhirter and Ian Bell to write articles casting doubt on the veracity of UKOK claims, the risk of slippage and slidage from the one, true religion was possible.

Fired by a determination to avoid such corruption of the douce folk of Scotlandshire, we mounted a campaign to save the people from themselves, by buying up or stealing as many copies of this rebellious rag as we could.

An army of U-KOKs sallied forth into the supermarkets and corner shops of the nation region, to prevent the eyes of decent Brits from being corrupted by the sight of that cover.

Hero of the Empire, Iain Barker, reported back to us, "Aye its sold out here, bloody separatists, I got the last one. Can't have separatists reading it now can I?"

In a brilliant move to save Argyll for the Empire, activists seized every copy bound for Teuchterland, and sent a message that no copies had been printed.

In all campaigns a positive result can achieve a negative outcome. What the fu*k are we to do with 30,000 copies of the Sunday Herald - and what do we do with next week's haul, and the week after that, and .....? (Apart from drip feed them onto ebay at over £8 each)

The situation could get even worse if the contamination spreads. What if the Editors of the Herald and the Evening Times go down the same route? The idea that Editors should have any independent power of decision is fundamentally undemocratic. People should do what their bosses tell them to do - that's the philosophy of BBC Scotlandshire and Barrhead Travel, and should be the practice everywhere.

Fortunately, Professor Adam Tomcat of Glasgow University has provided reassurance. "At the time of previous insurrections in Scotlandshire, like the Jacobite Rebellions", he told us, "it was common for the rich and powerful families to hedge their bets as to any possible outcome.

"Frequently, a younger son was sent to join the rebels, while the heir to the estate remained loyal to the status quo. That way, whatever the result, the family would retain their priviliged position, and ownership of the family estate. Whether the 4th Estate in Scotlandshire actually has any value in a continuing Empire is, of course, entirely another matter."

Regrettably, that policy of splitting families so that one or the other part of it will remain in perpetual power, now seems to have infected the Labour Party in Scotlandshire. We can bring you exclusive coverage of a tragic event at Glasgow's Mayday celebration.

An anonymous source within the so-called "Labour for Splittism" movement, Red McTory, sent us this shocking image. "Not only did Anas know what he was doing when he agreed to be photographed, and smiled when he took hold of the flag while posing, he posed DELIBERATELY!"

In December 2012, Anas Sarwar said in the House of Commons, "There's only one - maximum of two - members of lab4indy". It now seems that he has found Alex Bell - the other member.

Even the child in the poster behind can't believe what she is seeing. Alex Bell and Anas Sarwar chumming up, and preparing to destroy the greatest Union that the world has ever seen (well, maybe apart from the United States of America, the Nordic Union, the USSR, the European Union, the Holy Roman Empire, the Roman Empire, the union of Upper and Lower Egypt, the Assyrian Empire, the Inca Empire, the Mongol ........)

We have an important message for Johann Lamont - WATCH YOUR BACK! (that's what we always do, since the front's nae bonny).

As always, of course, the Empire has infinitely greater resources to fight off insurrection. While the Vote Nob Orders campaign seems to have sunk without trace, a new underwater campaign, headed by Union stalwarts Lady Alba and Greg Moodie, is set to blow the splittists out of the water.

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