By Effie nan Blindin, the UHI's Jim Murphy Professor of Cybernat Abuse Condemnation (CAC)

Fears have been expressed that there will soon be no cash in Scotlandshire due to a sudden haemorrhaging of funds which began on the very day Standard Life announced their plans to abandon the country in the event of a splittist success.

This southern rush of moolah has been occasioned by a 'crowdfunding' effort by separatist blog, 'Winge over Scotland', which is operated by self-confessed cybernat and cult leader Stoo Campbell.

For several days, serious sums of Scottish spondooliks have been flowing from individuals all over the region towards an accommodation address in the English market town of Bath.

The contributors, known as 'Wingers', are all devotees of the 'Bathist party' headed by the Reverend Campbell and have been selling their earthly possessions in order to send the proceeds to the cult.

This is having the bizarre effect of support for a splittist web site actually making Scotlandshire too poor to become independent, while simultaneously supporting job creation in Southern England. The irony seems, however, to be lost on the multitudes of swivel-eyed faithful.

This channel tried to contact the Rev Stoo for a comment, but was unable to reach him. We wanted to ask him in person why he was trying to bankrupt the country he claims to support but, since losing our license money, we are no longer able to afford the trip to Nigeria where he is now coordinating his fundraising campaign alongside various generals, royal princes and princesses and estate management lawyers.

However, in the interests of balance, we spoke to Blare MacDougall the muscular head of U-KOK, who told us, “At first glance, the fundraising by 'Winge' seems quite impressive. But, when you break it down, we were able to generate at least 5 times as much with no more than a phone call to a single sanction-busting supporter of war criminals. And all with little more than a mention of ermine robes and a possible night of passion with Theresa May.

Chairman of Badgers Attempting to Maintain Power Over the Territory of Scotlandshire, Alistair Darling MP (retd) said,

“That nat bastirt Rev Stoo might think he's all modern and trendy with his indygogo girls and his web thingys , but we are sticking with the old tried and tested concept of the begging chain letter .

“We have calculated that, as long as it gets passed on to at least 8 layers of the pyramid, and 100% of recipients give us 25 quid, we will be able to afford almost half our advertising plan from this one source.

“Mind you, Yes Scotland seems to have pre-booked every billboard and advertising outlet in the country, so we may need to fall back on our original plan to have Anas Sarwar walking up and down Buchanan Street wearing a U-KOK board and a smarmy grin. That should do the trick.”

We also tried to contact Jim Murphy MP, but only reached an answering machine which told us to “F*ck off!”, over and over again, on a loop.

However, lack of funds and activists aside, we at the BBC remain secure in the knowledge that the UK remains in safe hands. No matter whether the general election of 2015 is won by Labour, Tory or UKIP, life will go on exactly as before.

The sight of British Labour putting their Eds together in absolute support of Gideon Osbourne and showing those Scots their place was enough to warm the heart of any true Brit. With this one act, Milliband finally achieved his dream to become the true inheritor of the Thatcher legacy.

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The Grauniad : Independence activists use crowdfunding to dig into their supporter's pockets

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