By Raymond Luce-Cannon, our 'Creative' Editor

A worrying trend has begun to emerge as, one by one, senior European politicians have been giving interviews to BBC Scotlandshire then, within days, changing their stories completely. 

The phenomenon began last year when Manuel Barroso the president of the European Union was interviewed on BBC Scotlandshire's award winning chat show, Hardman.

Mr Barrosso, thanks to careful editing and some delightfully leading questioning, was reported as saying that an Independent Scotland would be thrown out of the EC and would need to reapply.

We even arranged for our friends at the Scotchman 'newspaper' to repeat his statement a few days before the interview took place, by quoting a letter Barroso hadn't written yet. In gratitude, Atlantic Quay arranged to pay for a bunch of links to the online version of the Scotchman which, on balance, probably wasn't as helpful a gesture as we had hoped.

Shockingly, just days later the letter was finally written, sent to the House of Lords and could be seen to say no such thing. Then, even more unhelpfully, Mr Barroso claimed he had not been talking about Scotland in the first place, but just in general about the theoretical new country he was being asked about. [That was not the deal UK ministers made with him - Ed]

The situation became worse when we interviewed Ireland's European affairs minister Lucinda Creighton, who told us - again thanks to expert editing - that Scotland would be thrown out of the EU and would not be allowed back in for years.

Shortly after the interview was aired, and just like Barrosso, she complained that we had 'misrepresented' her views, writing moaning little emails to depute First Minister Nicola Sturgeon and even to that most partisan of journals, Newsnet Scotland. [What does she know about Europe anyway, the ungrateful bitch - Ed]

Finally, we managed to get Latvia's Foreign Minister Edgar Rikevics on message as he said that Scotland would be thrown out of the EU and would take years to be crawl back in. He too retracted – this time the same day - and said that Scotland would simply go through a short formal process of negotiation. [Where the f—k is Latvia, anyway? - Ed]

By this stage, we at BBC Scotlandshire were beginning to smell a nat.

Through a rigorous process of investigative journalism, known within Atlantic Quay as 'mekkinitawup', we have discerned that these retractions are part of a plot by the Scottish government to make Independence seem like a natural state of affairs - one shared by all other EU members.

The lack of evidence for our assumption only makes it all the more damning for the Yes campaign, as this proves they are secretly going behind our backs to make us appear biased and mendacious, and that's really not cricket.

But now we have incontrovertible proof that we are being surrepticiously undermined by agents of Yes Scotland, as Luxembourg's Foreign Minister has backtracked on a comment about Scotland's independence which was quoted in BBC Scotlandshire, saying it was misinterpreted, just like that bloody Irish bint.

Our article stated that Luxembourg was the only country outside of the UK to have expressed a view against Scottish independence. But then a spokesman for the Lux foreign ministry said that the <Sarky voice>nuancesarky voice> of the minister's words had been lost in the article.

The spokesman even said: “The BBC chose to present the position of the minister in opposition. Whereas it was more nuanced than that,” adding, “It's a reflection which is valid for all member states, not to go their separate ways.”

Now the foreign minister himself is claiming that he wasn't talking about Scotland but was actually criticising the UK's ambivalent attitude to the EU. He even said: Scotland’s constitutional future is a matter to be decided by the people of Scotland.”

BBC Scotlandshire had contacted 22 different EU member states, at not inconsiderable expense, asking them to state precisely why they believe Scottish independence would be a terrible thing, and exactly how hard it would be for Scotland to get back into the EU after being kicked out.

As Luxembourg was the only country which bothered to answer our request, for them to be nobbled by the nats in such a short period came as a particularly harsh blow to this channel.

However, the interference by separatist agents will soon have little influence on the separation debate.

Budget cuts caused by the rising PFI cost of Atlantic Quay mean that we will be sacking most of our news staff in the coming months. This will limit our news coverage to the topping & tailing of press releases from Bitter Together and each of Scotlandshire's three Conservative parties.

That should help stop any unhelpful news or opinion from even making it onto the air, providing a more appropriate background for the remainder of the debate.

For no apparent reason, Labour's Ian Davidson MP, Chairchoob of the Scottish Affairs Committee on Nasty Unionists Manufacturing Propaganda, Trying to Insult Everything Scottish, chose to provide us with what he describes as a comment. He said:

“They Natz bastirts ull argue black is white if ye let thum – ye cannae listen tae a wurd they say cos it ull send ye pure menthol, so it will.

“Ah've argued wi hunners ay thum in ma committee till a wis blue in the face, and a still coudnae get a straight wurd oot ay thum. Plus, it's no guid fur a Labour politishun tae be seen on the telly wi a blue coupon – it kinna gies the gemme awa that wur aw Tories noo.

“Shite! Youse cannae print that tories bit! If that sties in, am sendin ma big china Joycey roond tae your bit tae haun oot a wee bit o' parliamentary privilege, if ye ken whit ah mean."

Scottish Labour's second-in-command Johann Lamont was unavailable for comment as she had to stay in her secret George Square bunker waiting for the builders.

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