Sturgeon implicated as Humerus Clivo virus hits British elite

By Geezmeara Dryboak our (British) Nationalist Virus Correspondent

virusIt has now been confirmed that the suspected outbreak of Humerus Clivo Virus (shoulder Slope Virus or HCV) has taken place, with its epicentre identified as the UK House of Commons.

First noted at last week's Prime Minister's questions, when David Cameron’s head was below the lectern for all of the session. Parliamentary journalists were initially at a loss to explain this unusual occurrence.

Various reasons for his diminutive stance were put forward. Initially most of the hack pack believed Mr Cameron was on his knees in prayer after the latest polls, or was he perhaps attempting to attract the wife of pocket-sized speaker John Bercow.

However Nosy Parker of the Torygraph, famous for breaking the expenses scandal, was first to realise that due to HCV Mr Cameron had been unable to stand on the stricken Nick Clegg’s shoulders.

First indications that Mr Clegg had been struck came during an interview with Mrs Clegg when she broke down in tears exclaiming: “He can't take the kids hiking this summer, the backpack keeps sliding off his shoulders"

There are of course far more serious consequences for the economy and the running of Britain. The HCV virus is thought to be carried and spread through the eating of fish eggs, and as 97% of all MPs are known to partake of large amounts of heavily subsidised caviar (eggs of the Sturgeon fish) in the various Parliamentary restaurants, it is expected that this plague will bring the country to its knees.

The first signs began to appear as the oil price fell. As was widely reported during the Scottish independence referendum, the broad shoulders of the UK would normally have swung into action and secured jobs in the far far North North East.

Unfortunately with the rapid spread of HCV the government will be unable to assist in any way whatsoever leaving the overpaid oil workers to shoulder the burden themselves.

Whilst there is no known cure for the complaint, researchers are hopeful that the introduction of another virus found amongst the working poor, unemployed and disabled, Ingens Umeris Virus (Massive Shoulders Virus or IUV) may counteract the HCV virus.

Dr Rich Smug-Meddi of Harley Street, a hunting companion of the Camerons, stated that: “At least the poor would be good for something other than lying in bed with the curtains drawn”. Dr Smug-Medi stated that the plan was to station riot police at all food banks in order to round up carriers of IUV, and that he was confident that hunger would drive the poor into their hands, stating that they would be paid one tin of beans per pint of blood.

salmond-eggsEmergency legislation is to be rushed through Parliament to stop all benefits, ensuring the poor were persuaded of the necessity of visiting food banks guaranteeing vital supplies of the blood sacrifice.

In order to be certain that there were sufficient MPs in attendance at the Commons, all London tailors have been instructed not to hand over any new suits to MP clients until after the legislation has been passed. In order to save embarrassment during the emergency this Friday will be known as dress down Friday in the Commons to allow MPs to attend in less ill fitting garb.

MI5 have thrown a ring of fishmongers around Buckingham Palace insisting for the safety of crown and to stabilise the Union all fish products but especially all Sturgeon and Salmond is refused entry until after the emergency.

A Labour spokesperson stated that they would introduce 1000 more riot police than the Tories, regardless of how many the Tories recruited, to ensure any re-occurrence could be dealt with swiftly and efficiently and that the riot police should henceforth be held in the same high esteem as the underpaid overworked angels of the NHS . He further stated Labour would most certainly not privatise any riot police, ever, maybe.

Tory HQ could not provide a spokesperson as they were all either at their tailors or trying to find a substitute for caviar before their weekend dinner parties.

The LibDem spokesperson kept bursting into tears making everything he said indecipherable.

Angus Separatist MP, of the SNP stated that their Westminster group only ate good Scottish cod roe (Eggs of the cod fish) and not that filthy foreign muck, so they were all in fine fettle (in good health).

He also confirmed that Miss Sturgeon, the FEMALE Scottish First Minister, had written to the PM offering to supply a government to run the UK during this emergency. No reply has yet been received from the PM as he has been unreachable, although he is believed to be kerbcrawling in the Savile Row area of London.


Comments

Due to the huge number of complaints, comments are no longer banned on BBC Scotlandshire News pages.