Labour in Scotlandshire must 'rewrite history' to retain any seats

By Reeve Izhonist, our Labour History Correspondent

futureLabour in Scotlandshire must 'go back to the future' if they are to have any hope of retaining Scottish seats in May, a senior Labour spindoctor has said.

John McTearwan, a graduate of the Jackie Baillie School of Creative Mendacity, made the statement to a packed telephone booth of Labour activists, representing over half of his party's Scottish membership, as he took up his new post as Chief of Staff to Jim Morphy MP (pro-tem).

The BBC has learned that Mr McTearwan told the private meeting that newly appointed leader Morphy: “is not the Messiah, just a very naughty boy. As are we all. So the clean-up needs to start here and now, or we're all f**ked in May.

“Those of us at the helm of Scottish Labour have had a very comfortable life for a long time. A way of life I believe is worth preserving. And the way to do that is to maintain the status quo at all costs.

“So, I want all of you to return to your constituencies and prepare to rewrite our history. Lie, delete, destroy, mis-inform, obfuscate. Make ridiculous assertions you know to be false, but assert them loudly, often and with confidence.

peter-capaldi-thick-of-it-001“For my part, I can promise you will not be questioned by the media, and every utterance, no matter how bizarre, will be repeated daily on TV, radio and in the press.

“Carlsberg don't do blatant Unionist bias and Labour revisionism. But, if they did, they couldn't begin to compete with the BBC. Do your worst.

“Together we will ensure that history views us in the Labour Party  , whatever the depravity of our past misdeeds.

“Friends, in the spirit of the great Peter Capaldi, I have now been regenerated – changed in a moment from spindoctor to Time Lord, in a metamorphosis of which even Slim Jim would be proud.

“This will allow me go back and change history at will.”

Colleagues say privately that the only thing Mr McTearwan has in common with Peter Capaldi is that his middle name rhymes with Malcolm Tucker.

However, to be fair, everyone we spoke to did make a point of telling our researcher that John was 'a spectacularly dishonest and unpleasant human being'.

Aussie votersMcTearwan was being installed in Jim Morphy's new campaign office in the Scottish parliament, which was being set up for him by BBC Scotland, a spoof TV station with strong links to the Labour party. We spoke with several wellwishers who came to congratulate Mctearwan on his new position.

Kaye Adams told this channel that she hasn't seen McTearwan so excited since he won the Australian elections for Labour. “Not that he has ever actually been 'down under'”, she said, “which is odd for someone who regularly plumbs the most profound depths of political commentary.

“And, of course, it goes without saying that John was never run out of Oz by a baying mob of 'Strine' Labourites, desperately calling for his blood. That never happened!

“I know this to be true, becaues my good friend Gordon Brownlips told me. Although, to be honest, I can't remember exactly when he said it.

“Sometime between the time he didn't deregulate the banks and that other time when he didn't crash the world economy by sitting on his hands for six months before bailing out the banksters with our money, I think.

Kaye Adams“Anyway, I'm off to share a platform with the lovely Katie Hopkins. I don't have time to hobnob with the likes of you any more. It's #CBB for me.”

In a candid off-the-record conversation, Ex Scottish Secretary Michael Moore, who was for many years employed as a butler by Kaye Adams' family, described John McTearwan as: “one of the most odious individuals it has ever been by displeasure to meet.”

However, in line with BBC policy, as Michael isn't even a proper Blue Tory, never mind a genuine Red one, we don't need to take anything he says too seriously.

On the subject of political mendacity, Ian Davidson, chairchoob of the Commons committee on Scottish History Interpreted Through English Spectacles, made the following statement: “Rewritin' histury is nothin' new.

“Ma maist famous quote wusny even somethin' ah hud said masel. You know, the wan about the Natz huvvin tae meet above a pub. It wus made up by the f**kin' BBC fur f**ks sake!

“Mind you, ah kinna wish a hud said it, like.”


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