Anti-SNP plan to spy on toddlers 'too soft', claims Morphy

By Reed Mcomms, our Security Correspondent

nurseryNursery school staff and registered childminders must report toddlers at risk of becoming separatists, under new measures proposed by the UK Government.

The directive is contained in a 39-page consultation document issued by the Home Office in a bid to bolster its plan to prevent another referendum on separation for Scotlandshire taking place.

The document accompanies the Counter-Separatism and Security Bill, currently before parliament. It identifies nurseries and early years childcare providers, along with schools and universities, as having a duty “to prevent people being drawn into splittism”.

A Home office spokesman last night said: “We are not expecting teachers and nursery workers to carry out unnecessary intrusion into family life, but we do expect them to take action when they observe behaviour of concern.

The sort of thing we have in mind would include the following:

  • Overuse of the word 'yes' or the number '45' in conversation;
  • Any mention whatsoever of 'Scotlandshire's Oil';
  • The wearing of tartan and the use of Gaelic, Scots or Doric terms;
  • Bringing a play piece to nursery;
  • The display of unusual levels of optimism or positivity;
  • Saying anything nice about either bagpipe music or haggis;
  • Use of the words BBC and bias on the same day in whatever context or order;
  • Forgetting the words to God Save the Queen (with the exception of the General Wade verse of course);
  • Displaying a preference for Irn Bru over Vimto;
  • Criticism of nuclear energy or fracking;
  • Feigning disinterest in cricket or Morris dancing;
  • Use of the archaic term, Scotland, to reference the region of North Britain or Scotlandshire.

He added: “It is important that children are taught fundamental British values in an age-appropriate way. For children in the early years, this will be about learning right from wrong (ie left) and in practitioners challenging regional attitudes and stereotypes.

little insurgentThe families of children suspected of being future separatists will have their passports confiscated and will be forced to remain within the boundaries of either Glasgow or Dundee; two cities regarded by the government as having already been lost to the splittists.

The restricted area will be controlled by a new NATO initiative to be known as the Glasgow Environs & Tayside Organisation, or GETO for short.

Jim Morphy, Labour's Governor General of Scotlandshire in waiting, insinuated to this channel: “As usual, the Tories have failed to go far enough.

“We will vow to create 1000 extra specialist nursery interrogation officers, regardless of the cost. After all, no price is too high to keep our lovely union intact.

“These new operatives will work alongside nursery teachers, keeping a close eye on the behaviour of both teachers and toddlers alike.They will be known as Covert, Little Insurgent Preventing, Espionage Staff, or Clipes.

“Did I say vow? I meant pledge, of course, because I really mean what I am saying this time.

"What's the difference between a vow and a pledge, you ask?

"Well, a vow is a just disposable commitment made for short term gain, often conceived in a state of utter panic, whereas a pledge is the thing you would turn to if required to polish a turd.”


Viewers are invited to add their own suggestions for what might constitute suspicious separatist behaviour in the comments section below - ED


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