Kezia Dawgdale 'hacked by North Koreans', claim SLabour

By Father Terra Wright, our Fawning SLab Leadership Correspondent

dawgdaleThe BBC wishes to apologise unreservedly to Labour in Scotlandshire's Deputy Dawdale for screening her inaugural questions in last Thursday's FMQ's.

In the coverage broadcast live by this channel, Deputy Dawgdale appeared to blame the Scottish Government for the recent fall in oil prices and the predicted reductions in both production and investment which is widely predicted to follow.

Further, she seemed to claim that the drop in oil prices was somehow a direct result of the projections published by the Scottish Government prior to the Referendum.

Naturally, this would be a preposterous position to take, particularly on your first ever attempt at First Minister's Questions. More particularly if you had just been promoted to Deputy Dawgdale from your previous post of first Fifi le Bon to Lord Ffoulksakes of Tankedupness, and therefore had so very much to prove.

How much more ill-judged would this be if you had spent two years telling the people of Scotlandshire that they were too useless to manage their own oil resources – an asset which could only be protected by the 'broad shoulders' of Westminster?

The very Westminster government whose £30 billion tax grab had just caused the very uncertainty which has led investors to take a short term view of the North Sea.

And what new depth of hypocrisy would be plumbed by insisting the SNP take responsibility for North Sea job losses, while desperately seeking to keep the necessary powers as far from Holyrood as possible?

Clearly, no sane politician would knowingly embark on such a ridiculous course.

Reputational damage

What a relief, then, when it was announced today by Slab spin doctor John McTearwan that Ms Dawgdale had in fact been hacked by agents of the North Korean government.

McTearwan“In the Slab tradition”, sleased McTearwan, “Kezia was just reading out the prepared speech which had been emailed from head office in London. She wasn't to know it had been altered by agents of an unfriendly foreign state – especially when it had been written for her by one and the same.”

Last night, the government of North Korea admitted the hacking, saying they had been protecting their international reputation against illegal copying by the new SLab leadership.

In a prepared statement, they claimed: “We can't have Labour in Scotlandshire pretending to be Socialists while veering towards the neoliberal right, or advocating localism whilst tightening central control. Be warned, we have the patent on that sort of thing.

“Soon the new Slab leadership might start to claim that basing a whole new generation of nuclear weapons near Glasgow would be the best use for £10 billion of Scotlandshire's shrinking budget. Or that voting SNP would let the Tories in. Where would it all end?”

Consequently, the BBC (in conjunction with Sony Entertainment) have now withdrawn the footage of last Thursday's FMQ's and replaced it with a compilation of the funniest outtakes from Spud Murphy's 2014 “100 frights in 100 nights” tour.

Johann Lamont was unavailable for comment.


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