A Finicky Findlay finally tells it like it is

By Anne Drumar, our Token Professional Correspondent

Dr FindlayThe following is a transcript of an interview by Anne Drumar with Scottish Labour's branch manager hopeful, and renowned intellectual giant of the party, Dr Neil Findlay.

This is the second of a series of experimental interviews by Ms Dumar, who has been employed by BBC Scotlandshire in an attempt to combat a tiny number of accusations of BBC bias which have been levelled at the corporation by swivel-eyed separatist malcontents.

The BBC senior management wants to determine if the addition of a single balanced, neutral and (dare I say it) professional journalist will defuse future accusations of political partisanship. [Don't give the bloody game away! – ED]

Disclaimer: BBC Scotlandshire takes no responsibility whatsoever for any opinions or policy statements expressed in these interviews.

Anne Drumar: Good morning Dr Findlay.

Neil Findlay: Good morning Janet – sorry Anne. Force of habit <coughs>.

Anne Drumar: On a Sunday morning London politics show on the Spoof BBC, you stated that the policy of your Scotlandshire branch office was to unilaterally disarm the Trident nuclear submarines. Is this true?

Neil Findlay: Yes. Absolutely. In the sense that I mentioned it to someone in the bar at a conference – some time ago. Yes, it's definitely been the policy of the party since then.

Anne Drumar: So we will see this policy in your 2015 Scottish manifesto then.

Neil Findlay: Of course. If I am promoted to branch manager, I will introduce a policy to ask Ed Miliband if it would be all right to disarm universally the UK's entire nuclear capability.

Anne DrumarAnne Drumar: I see. And what do you expect Mr Miliband's response will be?

Neil Findlay: I expect him to tell me to bugger off back up to Jockland and stop being so cheeky. But, and this is a very important point, the view of the Scottish people WILL have been expressed - in London - and you can't ask for better than that, can you?

Anne Drumar: Well, the SNP might argue that you could ask for better than that, and they have vowed to do so if they hold the balance of power.  They will insist that Trident is not replaced and that the existing system is removed from the Clyde.

Neil Findlay: Yes, that may be true, but it's only a Vow and we all know what Vows are worth.

Anne Drumar: But hold on. All the policy changes you are suggesting, living wage, unilateral nuclear disarmament, huge increases in infrastructure spending, those are all SNP policies. Aren't you just copying Nicola Sturgeon?

Neil Findlay: Well. A bit maybe. I'll admit my new policies are a bit like Nicola's. But we tried coming up with our own and it didn't go well. Remember Johann's 'something for nothing culture' or Iain Gray's big idea to automatically jail butchers, chefs and fishermen for carrying knives?

Anne Drumar: Well, yes, you might be forgiven for stealing the SNP's clothes, but all the policies you are stealing are ones which could never be implemented without independence. What's the point of that?

Neil Findlay: Well, you would be right if we were trying to get any of those policies implemented. But, as you pointed out, London would never allow that in a million years – and what they say goes. No, the purpose of announcing these policies is simply to get all our Scottish MPs safely back into Westminster next year. Some of them have families to feed, you know. And those two mortgages don't pay themselves. Well one of them does, but you get my point.

Anyway, you wouldn't want the people of Scotlandshire to let down those MPs, would you?

Anne Drumar: So what you are saying is that Labour in Scotlandshire will say anything at all to get its Scottish MPs re-elected, even if it is all a pack of lies?

Neil Findlay: Well, to be fair we ARE all working for Anas Sarwar and Jackie Baillie right now. So what other choice do I have?

Anne Drumar: That explains a great deal. Thank you for your honesty, Dr Findlay.

Neil Findlay: Honesty!? WTF? What honesty? Can we do this again, Janet...?


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