The missionary position papers of the three stooges fighting to be Wee Nippy Sweeties

By Libby Poppy-Gander, Our Shouting-From-The-Hip correspondent

Nicola waiting on her tea

The Scottish Nationalistic Party's plans for a new Deputy Leader were last night thrown into chaos when North British Labour leader Lady JoJo Lalamont highlighted the lack of any fish-related surnames among the candidates.

Dictator-in-waiting Nicola Sturgeon was said to be furious at this gaffe by the Nationalistics' HQ staff and promised heads would roll.

BBC Scotlandshire has been leaked the mission statements from the three candidates who're seeking to be the new deputy dictator of Scotlandshire.

Next month will see the SNP devotees selecting one of these power-hungry splittist monsters as Nicola Sturgeon's deputy party leader.

BBC Scotlandshire is proud to exclusively publish raw statements of the splittist politicians before the separatists’ Public Uninformation Bureau of External Splittism (PUBES) went to work sanitising the messages for mass consumption.

Loyal viewers are urged to review the sanitised versions of these statements to fully understand the effectiveness of the Natz propaganda machine - even the real true state broadcaster of Scotlandshire struggles to compete.


KEITH BROWN

Nicola Sturgeon needs a deputy dictator who can shoulder some of her workload as she runs around the country on her stadium tours indoctrinating the latest set of recruits. Truth be told, she’s actually a bit lazy when it comes to all this Ministerial, government and party work – that’s where I’ll come in.

The deputy dictator has to be her colleague, her best friend, her supporter and her lover. Night or day, I’ll always be available. Office chat or pillowtalk, I’ll always be there to provide advice on the issues, or maybe I’ll just bloody well do as I like.

I've been a Minister in Nicola's department for two very long years and done exactly that; her door is always open so she can hear and see everything we’re up to and we've delivered improvements that have benefitted Scotland but we have to do more or she’s threatened to “gies us a doin” – it must be a Govan thing!

We must govern well and we need to continue to campaign for Scotland to have all the powers of a modern, independent nation, free of the blue, red and yellow Tories. We have to work for a better future while we build a better present for Nicola's Christmas.

You don’t serve in the finest army in the world, the British Army, without learning a trick or two. I have the experience, political and otherwise, that will allow me to fulfil this vital role. I even know which filling Nicola likes on her morning roll.


ANGELA CONSTANCE

The SNP is now a cult of mass anti-Union hysteria.

I want to turn it into a party of mass hallucination seeking freedom from London rule.

The Yes campaign taught us a new kind of politics - one not controlled by party elites, but running free in the belief that a better Scotland is possible. That can’t be allowed to go on unchecked.

I shall keep that spirit alive and take it forward by ensuring that every SNP member believes they have an equal say in our affairs; an equal incentive to be involved in what they’re told to do by our one true leader – our divine First Eck.

Our local branches are the source of our strength and our biggest problem. In every Scottish community, our members must engage with and support all those who believe in our cause, and appear like they are listening to what they say needs to be done.

Whenever it may come, as come it will, our cause remains an independent Scotland as envisaged by The Eck. I shall commit to that cause, head, heart and soul, every waking day. God Save the Eck.


STEWART HOSIE

On September 18 thousands of Yes activists knocked on the doors of independence supporters throughout Scotland as the culmination of the biggest political campaign Scotland has ever seen. The result tells us that had they lazy bastards got out their beds just a little earlier and knocked on just a few more doors then we would have won!

The 45 per cent Yes vote was delivered in spite of the entire might of the UK establishment being deployed against us and the next to useless assistance of Yes Scotland HQ.

No-one can deny the incredible enthusiasm and energy which the Yes campaign brought to Scotland, re-energising politics in every corner of our country. Nobody saw that one coming and now we haven’t got a clue how to put it back in the bottle. Guess we had better figure out a way to use it.

I am determined to keep that campaigning energy alive to return the largest number of independence-supporting MPs to Westminster next year. Some of you might even want to come join me – have you seen the pay, perks and expenses? Whoop-de-do!

I am certain that my experience in helping to modernise the SNP, only got a handful of the auld fuddy duddies to get out of the way now, and as a grassroots organiser can help us to win in 2015 and beyond. But let’s try to keep me in a job in London for as long as possible… but I didn’t say that, right!


BBC SCOTLANDSHIRE EDITORIAL

As will be the editorial policy forthwith and until at least May of next year, BBC Scotlandshire will find a way to give positive coverage to Scottish Labour.

It is in our Royal Charter to be the Lords and Masters of the Red Tories here in Scotlandshire.


POLITICAL PARTY REACTION

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Peoples' Champion of Scotlandshire, The Daily Rancid, Lady Lalamont mocked the disarray the SNP now found itself in due to its piscine omission.

"Ha ha ha ahm'm pure laughin' at thum, so ah'm ur!" she told the Rancid's reporter.

"There's nae fish there, though they might try fur tae pull the wool ower oor eyes by sayin' it's Keith Brown-Trout, Angelfish Constance and Stewart Gibberfish-Hosie."

Sources close to the splittists have rejected Labour Party accusations that Angela Constance, Keith Brown and Stewart Hosie already have plans to alter their names to be more fish-friendly as the deadline for the Party's deputy leader election looms nearer.

A spokes-minnow for Labour in Scotlandshire responded: “The SNP are in complete chaos and disarray as they attempt to reorganise their cult. Even in political death, Dictator Eck manages to put Scotlandshire on hold.

"Scottish Labour is well placed, with our top team of Johann and Anas, to win back Holyrood in May next year.

"The separatists will be crushed in the Unionist heartlands of Dundee and Glasgow once the people realise it is far better to have Red Tories back in charge than David Cameron’s Blue Tory imposters.”

BBC Scotlandshire attempted to contact the saviour of Labour's Westminster cabal, Alistair Darling, to slant this story even further, but he was unavailable as nobody knew where he was.


THE MOTHER OF ALL PARLIAMENTS

It is believed Baron Godlie Broonstain of Cowdenbeath and Kirkcaldy will secure yet another adjournment debate at Westminster next week to warn how this latest splittist crisis has the potential to derail further powers coming to Scotlandshire.

He responded: "I'm hoping the House of Commons security guards recognise me next week. I took a pure beamer last Monday when they asked who I was and if I was coming in for business or pleasure."


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