George Galloway revealed to be the Queen?

By Neil Downe, Our Royal Correspondent

galloway queenThe Royal Household is convulsed by speculation as to how the Queen could have "purred" down the phone to David Cameron.

"She's a very doggy person (just as Princess Anne is very horsey)", said the Groom of the Stool, "and can't stand to be in the same room as a cat. She can't stand to be in the same room as David Cameron either, but that's another matter altogether. She never purrs."

The Royal Fool (or Prince Charles as he is normally called) suggested that "Mummy employs servants to do common things such as talking to peasants like Cameron.

"I had hoped to learn how monarchs conduct business, but Mummy says I don't need to know, as she fully intends to outlive me."

Rouge Croix Purr-suivant of Arms in Ordinary, Sir Fellatio Mouth-Wash, claimed that he had been asked by HM to ensure that there was a constant supply of commoners available to purr, bark, neigh, moo or to simulate any other animal noises that took the royal fancy, and that the Duty Purrer of the day was a part-time MP known as "Indefatigability".

queen gallowayHe insisted that, whatever others might say, that was the only reason that the Queen and "Indefatigability" had been seen jogging in the grounds of Balmoral.

However, the Royal Mortician poo-pooed that idea (an act which required the services of the the Groom of the Stool to clean up the offending material). HM had been so concerned about the prospect of Charles becoming King, and the resultant overthrow of the monarchy that, to extend her life-span beyond that of her son, she had placed herself into a state of cryonic preservation in a cellar under Buckingham Palace, from which she only emerged occasionally to train her new double.

However, Ms Cynthia Posselthwaite, a telephone operator at the Palace, said all these claims were nonsense.

"Lizzie was pretty keen on Scottish Independence", she said. "Increasing the number of States, that she was Head of, really appealed to her. I often heard her boasting to other Royal Heads of State that she had collected more Crowns than your average London bullion dealer. That's why she said that she wanted Scots to "think carefully" about their referendum vote. Obviously, anyone who had thought about the issues would vote Yes.

"She was incensed when Cameron phoned her to say that the Scots had voted No, and slammed the phone down.

"The 'purring' Cameron heard was the dialling tone."


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