Dateline Scotland anchormen become the story

By Nick Robbursun-ya-Whore, Our backstabbing, lying and scheming reporter

In a final devastating blow to the nationalists, coming with only a day to go until AlecSammin is elected Scotlandshire dictator forever and ever, further shocking revelations have emerged about the talent fronting the BBC Scotlandshire commissioned “award winning” current affairs show “Dateline Scotland”.

These latest explosive revelations come just days after Ms Briony Laing of Dateline Scotland fame and George Deary of Better Together infamy caused hysteria amongst a devoted British public when they announced their secret wedlock to a world press pack.

Once again the positive case for the Union is broadcast live on the airwaves of Scotland and is proven beyond a reasonable doubt behind the scenes.

The future of Dateline Scotland has been further threatened with the shock announcement that leading presenter Jack Foster has managed to fall pregnant to George Deary. The unmarried anchorman will become another UK world first when a British man gives birth to a new British citizen.

Jack Foster pregnantBBC Scotlandshire has learned that Mr Foster has already put his name down with the local council for a social sector flat and has allegedly reported Mr Deary to the Child Support Agency.

Although a Fife Council Housing spokesobfiscator couldn’t talk about specific cases, he did confirm a request had be made by an unnamed Dunfermline man who requires social housing. He said: “Fife Council is currently investigating an extraordinary request from a man who’s insisting he’s being impregnated by a U-KOKer following a series of drunken one night stands.

“In cases like this, Fife Council requires supporting medical evidence that proves there is a genuine need not just someone who’s been visiting the Gregg’s cake and savoury cabinet far too often.”

A high emotional Mr Foster cried: “George said he’d love me forever, or at least for a long time, then he dumps me for THAT cheap tart as soon as his devil spawn is growing inside me.

“I’m looking at a life of pushing a pram up and down Dunfermline High Street while that bastirt gets rewarded for his services to the Empire. He’ll get a Lordship while I get veracious veins, haemorrhoids and ill-fitting leggings.

A near hysterical Foster finished with a simple question: “You wouldn't happen to know the telephone number for Jeremy Kyle?”

Mr Deary offered up a simple excuse: “I may have said a few things during a fleeting alcohol fuelled relationship with Jack, but I made not a single promise, pledge or vow, not even a last minute one, of a Better Together future for us. My Best of Both Worlds future lies with the beautiful Briony Laing.”

Not known for missing an opportunity to attack the Natz, Mr Deary went on to say: “As a normal, everyday mother, Jack can always advise the barren Salmond and Sturgeon about family values instead of MONSTERING me.”

In what must now be the final terminal nail in the coffin for the nationalists, a further shocking revelation has surfaced about the remaining member of the Dateline Scotland team.

BBC Scotlandshire has learned that anchorman James Devoy was once a male stripper in a go-go bar.

Go-Go Bar stars

However, it isn’t the noble past profession of Mr Devoy that has turned out to be the career ending issue, it is the cover-up of the sleazy stripping partnership with a powerful and leading light of the British Empire.

George Deary of Better Together has been exclusively revealed, by this channel, as the powerful political figure whose identity has been hushed up by the establishment, ably aided and abetted by Mr Devoy.

When presented with the serious allegation, Mr Devoy commented: “How is this bloody news you tube?”

Questioned on this matter, George Deary rubbished the claims of a cover-up: “Bloody hell! It is understood that you need to be a sexual deviant to be a successful “Best of Both Worlds” Imperial politicians.

"How can we blackmail each other if this kind of knowledge is in the public domain?”

A recording of an early career performance has been passed to BBC Scotlandshire.

Briony Laing, the Dateline Scotland megastar who earlier this week referred to her co-stars as “a couple of fannies”, vowed to back her new husband for as long as the special “Roofie Davidson” pills keep coming.

She also sent out a sinister warning to her former colleagues, she chilled: “Get Foster and Devoy told that I want my name off the Jackie Bird Fan Club mailing list or else. I’m getting bloody sick of their blind devotion filling my inbox.

“And I definitely don’t want to join their new Nick Robinson Megafan Cult either.

“What a couple of fannies!”

The Jackie Bird Fan Club and Nick Robinson Megafan Cult held their annual gathering in Glasgow on Sunday outside the spoof BBC's Pacific Quay headquarters.

The final episode of Dateline Scotland will air today.


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