By Ian Woodrow Port II, our Energy Correspondent

Labour's Alistair Darling has warned that UK oil will run out completely within 18 months if Scotlandshire votes to separate from the United Kingdom.

The one-time U-KOK head told reporters at a closed meeting in Gretna that 'the flow of oil will be turned off like a tap' within months of a Yes vote, leaving our country's finances in a terrible state.

"We know this to to to be true", he stuttered, "because it says so in a a a a secret document written by Finance Secretary John Swinney for his his his cabinet colleagues, which was never intended to to to be seen by the public.

"In his secret dossier, Scotland's Future, Swinney describes how all but a trickle of North Sea oil will be grabbed by Scotlandshire, by then a foreign country, with virtually none of it being left for for for for the UK."

"This is not a scare story", the failed chancellor added, "this is written down in black and white in the dodgy Dossier known as the white paper. And and and it's in the body of the actual document itself, not in in in one of those little Post It comments which were helpfully Photoshopped in by Blare McDonut.

"So, let there be no doubt, North Sea oil will be all but gone if Scots vote for separation, irrespective of how much of it remains beneath the sea.

In a further litany of horror, the 'former Trot turned Tory' then went on to list the other resources which would be at risk from any outbreak of democracy in Scotlandshire:

"It is difficult to believe", he droned, "but almost all of the UK's renewable energy would disappear overnight, along with most of our water reserves. We would even lose access to all those handy frackable gas reserves beneath the central belt, just as we were about to flog the licenses off to our pals, such as Sir Ian Wood.

"To make things worse, the opening up of West coast oilfields would leave our nuclear submarines nowhere to practice. We could even lose access to their base on the Clyde, leaving us completely incapable of raining down radioactive death on the civilian populations of Russian cities - an ability which we take so much for granted that it lies at the very heart of being British. Unthinkable!

A Yes vote would be a disaster of biblical proportions and unthinkably bad for the economy of the UK – my Country – my Home (well, a couple of them at least).

"In the words of my fellow Baron, George Robertson, separation would be cataclysmic. [Bit premature on your elevation, perhaps. Have you seen the polls? ED]

"The only silver lining would seem to be that a large number of banks will be moving their operations south – mainly those controlled by the Trussell Trust, I understand."

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