By Rulera Waives, Our English Political Correspondent (she's actually from Scotlandshire but, unlike Andrew Neil, she remembers that)

While British Nationalist BNP are reduced to kicking women in the stomach in Glasgow, English Nationalist UKIP give a right good kicking to the British parties in Clacton.

Survation conducted a poll in the decaying English holiday resort of Clacton-On-Sea, whose Tory MP dramatically resigned from the British Tory party to join the (strangely named) (United Kingdom) English Independence Party, and vowed to fight a by-election to save the soul [1] of England.

Their results will strike fear into the Westminster Establishment - UKIP 64% (+64) CON 20% (-33) LAB 13% (-12) LD 2% (-11).

Like Sarah Palin looking out from her kitchen window, Clactonites imagine that they can see an enemy country, though it's probably just the Waverley steamer doing one of its summer trips from the pier. For many in those empty boarding houses, the Waverley is, of course from an enemy country - just not France this time.

However, too much is being made of the separatist side of UKIP. They also want to be in a Union - only they won't play unless it's "their baw".

Like much of traditional England, Clacton remembers its heyday, when it was actually important to lots of people. "Oh, for the glory days of the 1960s", locals will wail - remembering when gangs of Mods and Rockers from London descended upon Clacton-on-Sea, creating havoc by starting gang fights with each other and vandalising streets and shops.

Instead of whining for those "good old days", they should travel north to Scotlandshire to see real displays of street violence, where politicians shout at crowds of old ladies who shout back. Fortunately, the No side is clearly winning this battle.

NoBloodyThanks! are ramping up their provocations, with Clacton's hero coming to Glasgow, and 15 million Orangemen from Northern Ireland parading through the streets of Edinburgh.

While in the Premiership Egg-hurling Division, the score remains locked at Murphy 1 - 1 Sillars, in the Championship Street-Brawling Division, the No campaign have a clear lead with a tally so far of breaking an 80 year-old Yes campaigner's wrist. and attacking a Yes stall outside the Hearts ground.

In the League One Torching-Your-Opponents premises, the season has started late, and the only goal so far has been a stunner from the No side.

While there has been a lot of arsing around from the No campaign, this is believed to be the first time that they have managed to spell Arson correctly.

A spokeslighter for U-KOK said, "We deprecate all such outbreaks of lawlessness, but it is no surprise that some have reacted badly to the apalling provocation by the Yes campaign.

"Having Yes leaflet after Yes paper pushed through your door, and canvassers politely asking how you intend to vote is enough to turn the mildest person into a raving lunatic - and here comes Jim Murphy now!"

Clacton MP, Douglas Carswell, protested, "The allegation that UKIP had anything to do with this is preposterous! When Nigel Farage said 'I want you all fired' he didn't mean this. However, I have asked Essex County Police and Fire & Rescue Service to be vigilant in protecting Clacton Pier against a retributive attack.

"Detaining anyone with a Scotch accent on the suspicion that they are likely to be a crazed separatist arsonist would seem to be a wise precaution."

[1] For our foreign readers in Scotlandshire, Clacton is in Essex, which is down at the bottom of the weather map you see on TV, and looks much bigger than it really is. It is not clear whether the "sole of England" was what was actually meant, as none of the bastirts give a bugger about the "uppers" of England.

Related Articles

Sunday Post : Better Together cringe as Farage heads North in fight to save Union

Wikipedia : Clacton-on-Sea

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