By Weerd Plaices, Our Travel and Tourism Correspondent

Tired of the same old holiday destinations? Bored with Barcelona? Sick of Sri Lanka? Pissed off with Pisa? Now you can join a real adventure into dangerous territory with tour company Durham Labour.

In a new venture, Durham Labour Tours (DLT) have opened up exciting possibilities for Brits to venture into previously unknown territory, that was considered too dangerous to visit until recently.

The DLT marketing team have been working night and day to recover the brand since their recent submissive takeover by "Make Alba Tory PLC". It looks like they may just have succeed with the branding of the new frontline operations staff: "The L-Team".

While many inclusive tour plans are available as packages, the L-team have had to withdraw Plan A due to lack of interest in that product. Tour members are advised that they will be reallocated to the highest level package available - currently Plan FU (Scotlandshire).

In an effort to open up this new market, the Make Alba Tory conglomerate board have introduced unheard of incentives.

Not only will tour members enjoy FREE transport to Scotlandshire (and hopefully back again), but also enjoy FREE accommodation and FREE meals during their stay. In addition, THEY will pay YOU £25 for every day that you manage to stay north of the border, before fleeing south.

Spearheading the drive, veteran Make Alba Tory stalwart Austin Mitchell commented: "We’ve lots coming - good quality Union Jack Labour people…the sort of people who really understand proper British values…and no bloody women either!

"The splittists had best beware, the quality end of Labour is coming to town! And if you can find them, maybe you can hire the L-Team - No Lie Too Small."

Specialist guides from the L-team will protect tour members from marauding Gnats, and provide a running and informative commentary on the strange native practices, and tour members will be actively encouraged to interact with specially selected natives who have been trained to dance to British tunes.

Exciting challenges are offered on all tours. For example, tour members are encouraged to compete against each other in racing to the top of a high-rise block of flats (where the lifts are broken) carrying a heavy bag of leaflets, then posting the leaflets through the "recycling access point" (known colloquially as a "letter box") to every flat on the way down.

Those completing the task are then subjected to merry abuse by the rest of the tour party, who simply dumped the bag into the rubbish chute on the ground floor and buggered off to the pub to spend their £25 on locally produced alcoholic beverages.

If you are really lucky, Sir Ralph Fiennes will kit you out in mountaineering gear, and guide you to the top of an enormous cairn near the border, dedicated to Scotlandshire's benign masters - but don't ask him any questions about Scotlandshire as he's not willing to discuss the region with anyone

However, be warned! Increasing numbers in Scotlandshire are just as unimpressed by Day-Trippers from the "South" as those in the North of England are.

You should not be surprised if these Liverpool lyrics are thrown back at you.

Got a good reason for taking the easy way out
Got a good reason for taking the easy way out now
She was a day tripper, a one way ticket yeah
It took me so long to find out, and I found out

She's a big teaser, she took me half the way there
She's a big teaser, she took me half the way there now
She was a day tripper, a one way ticket yeah
It took me so long to find out, and I found out

Tried to please her, she only played one night stands
Tried to please her, she only played one night stands now
She was a day tripper, a Sunday driver yeah
It took me so long to find out, and I found out

Distressingly large numbers in Scotlandshire imagine that there is an "easy way out" and that the day trippers have, indeed, been "found out".

Worryingly, many in the North may decide that joining Scotlandshire is preferable to remaining under London rule, and you might be stuck in a Greater Scotlandshire.

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