Yes vote will lead to mass incontinence within Scotland

By Dougie Stile, Our Anal Activity Correspondent

bbc spiderOur sister station BBC Two Scotlandshire is showing it's (supposedly) high-brow programme, "Mind Games" at 9pm this evening, describing how fear of anything, everything, but especially spiders, ensures that scaredy cats will vote No Bloody Thanks.

However, for our somewhat more low-brow / no-brow / what's a brow? audience a simpler explanation is more appropriate.

It's been known for many years by criminals, Ian Davidson, U-KOK and Nob Orders [1] and doesn't need fancy psychologists to explain it.

When people are scared enough, they'll do anything to avoid "gettin' a doin', or being locked in Room 101 with Jackie Baillie.

loo spiderTell people, who are scared of spiders, that a separate Scotlandshire will be overrun by immigrant spiders, without the services of the UK's Border and Alien Creepie-Crawly Exclusion Force, and show them the graphic results of splitting from the Empire, then they'll vote No.

This is especially true when a well-regarded politician like the Prime Minister of Australia explains that: "Until we left the bloody Empire, we had no bloody insects. Now look at the bastards!"

The Braveheart Natz should remember that their so-called "Hero King", Robert the Bruce, was terrified of spiders. After a number of drubbings (worse even than Brazil received at the hands of the Germans) he had decided to give up and head home to Turnberrry and play golf. It was a spider that scared him into abandoning that course of action!

When asked to comment, the separatist leader (and only activist) Alex Salmond said: "Yes it's true. Upon a yes vote its known that a little under half the Scottish population will shit themselves.

"But this will soon be followed by increased cases of cardiac arrest as the NO voters realise they were lied to and blood pressures rise. We have taken account of this in our future planning for Waste Management and Cardiac services in our hospitals.

"Christina McKelvie has been running a pilot project among Unionist MSPs. That has been so successful that the floor of the Chamber is no longer awash with pish.

"There has never been a country better prepared for Independence."

Leaderene of the "Slightly Less Right Wing Than Labour" Party, Ruth Davidson attempted to make a strong statement against the growth of the "nappy state", but her message was confused by the voice-over she was simultaneously doing for Pampers, which had strongly endorsed the idea of separation.

[1] Yes, yes. We know that they all mean the same thing and so the phrase is tautological. All you bastirts who pointed that out are too bloody clever for your own good - so fu*k off and watch BBC Two Scotlandshire instead!


Related Articles

Edinburgh Evening News : Scottish Independence: No voters scared of spiders


Comments

Due to the huge number of complaints, comments are no longer banned on BBC Scotlandshire News pages.