BBC Scotlandshire to be "Fairly Scary"

By Lawsfur Rarich, Our Legal Correspondent

bossymanBBC Scotlandshire's Head of News and Bias, Johnny Bossyman has announced that the channel is to "strive even more earnestly" to provide balanced coverage of both the Yes and No campaigns. "We have received legal advice", he said, "and unlike those splittist bastirts at Holyrood, we publish it!"

As part of its ongoing review of their standards and practice, BBC Scotlandshire constantly works to remain engaged with Scotlandshire (while two timing her with London).

In response to an FOI request, BBC Scotlandshire is fu*king furious to have happy to publish the full text of this letter received from their legal advisers.

candsCollier and Shyster
3 Pitbing Lane (above the Chippie)
Auchenshoogle
DunAngusshire
DA37 1FU

Mr J Bossyman
Head of News & Bias
BBC Scotlandshire
Atlantic Quay
Glasgow
FU 0FF

Ay, ay Jocky min. Foo ye deein?

Ye maun hae hid a rare time, ‘iss last puckle o’ wiks! Wi a’ thae London fowks fleein’ up tae dee the Games shows, ye mist hae hid nithin tae dee bit sittin on yer erse, an’ yokin yer baws.

Yir deein’ affa weel wi’ ‘at Bird bird frontin’ yir programmes. Bunty an’ me aye his sic a richt guid lauch at hoo she spiks sic shite wi’ a stracht face, ‘at we dinna tak the Evening Express ony mair. Though Bunty’s affa contermacious – still thinks she kin tak her chips fin she reads the speirins. Ilka time she poors on a drappie vinegar, the laptop blaws up!

Onywye, the reason Ahm drappin’ ye ‘iss wee nottie, is that we’ve hid the TV Licence fowk in Auchenshoogle. Noo, naebody in Auchenshoogle his ivver hid a TV licence – nor a mairrige licence neither! Bit it seems ‘at thoosans o’ fowk a’ ower the country hivna got een either noo.

Ah hid a wee look at my “Muckle Buik o’ Legal Thingies”. Turns oot that “an employee, who ignores his employer’s stated instructions and thereby causes said employer pecuniary damage shall be considered to be ipso facto guilty of a gross misdemeanour and thus subject to instant dismissal, loss of salary and pension rights, litigation by the employer, and being given a bloody good kicking in the executive toilets”.

My advice tae you, ma freen, is tae start deein a puckle o’ scare stories aboot fit happens if fowk vote Na. Yir helluva guid at makkin sic things up, sae it shid be easy-peezie fir ye tae dae ‘at.

Yours for Scotlandshire

signature-2

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Collier & Shyster LLB (Well, nearly)

While the Management are not well versed in legalese, the phrase "bloody good kicking in the executive toilets” carried significant weight in their discussions. When Mr Bossyman was given a copy of the instructions issued by BBC London, he immediately responded, "I've seen them, of course, but was given to understand that they were a mere fiction which need not be followed. Jesus! These London bastirts are hanging me out to dry!"


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BBC London : Referendum Guidelines : Referendum Campaign on Scotland’s Constitutional Future


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