Yes vote may bring back Nit Nurses

By Flowrancid Mightygail, Our Salmond Youth correspondent

Head lice threat in a separate ScotlandshireScottish Labour’s health spokesperson has today warned that separation from the protective umbrella of the United Kingdom will see the reintroduction of nit nurses in schools north of the border and may result in draconian border quarantine measures to prevent Scotlandshire headlice infecting the rest of the UK.

Neil Findlay MSP commented: “Alex Salmond and the YES nationalists cannot protect Scotlandshire from the every present threat of headlice.

“Under devolution we have managed to rid our schools of nit nurses but they may have to be reintroduced in a separate Scotlandshire to deal with a potential new louse plague of biblical proportions.

“I’ve spoken to Jackie ‘Honesty’ Baillie about other possible health threats that may surface after a YES vote. She was quick to point out that the eradication of Smallpox from Scotlandshire happened under the Union but this disease might magically reappear and start to infect the people of a separate Scotlandshire.

“Say No Thanks to Nit Nurses! Say No Thanks to Smallpox! Say No Thanks to eternal Salmond rule!”

Kezia Dugtail piles on the pressureLabour’s Education spokesperson in the Scottish Parliament, Kezia Dugtail MSP, was quick to attack the record of the Scottish Government under Education Minister Mike Russell MSP.

With a grimace reminiscent of a haemorrhoid sufferer getting a rectal examination, Ms Dugtail scowled: “The Education Minister was born in England. It’s like OMG! How can a bloody foreigner, which is what Mike Russell will be under Salmond’s separation plan, stay in charge of educating Scottish children?

“Jackie ‘Honesty’ Baillie has passed me a leaked dossier that shows Mike Russell is the actual primary source of headlice, the patient zero so to speak, who will infect all our kids following separation.

“He has to go quickly! He has to go now! He has to take Salmond with him!”

During the Prime Minister’s visit to Scotlandshire earlier this week, David Cameron announced a Westminster pledge to steal £500m from the Scottish block grant to spend on the protection of Scotlandshire from Smallpox.

Headlice News: Patient ZeroMr Cameron challenged the Scottish Government to do likewise and to allow Westminster to “administer” the money until it is required.

The Prime Minister of our glorious United Kingdom prounounced: "The timing of this funding announcement being so close to the referendum is mere coincidence.

"The funding isn't on its way in cash to Glasgow City Chambers! It's definitely not in a brown envelope! It's definitely not a bribe!"

BBC Scotlandshire tried to contact the Scottish Government for comment but some careless person in the office has managed to lose the address book that has all the phone numbers in it.
[Ed: FFS! You give Sarah Smith just wan thing to look after!]

Artist's impression: Johann grooming ErchieHowever we did manage to capture a wing commander from Midges for Scottish Independence who buzzed: “None of us creepy crawlies, neither winged nor wingless, have been safe under the Westminster system - a source of continual disappointment amongst those of us who’re Monarchists.

“The First Minister has promised that all Gnats will continue to be welcome in an independent Scotland.”

A spokesfibber for Johann Lamont MSP, Labour’s pretendy leader in Scotlandshire, pointed out that Ms Lamont was unavailable for comment as she was currently grooming Erchie in the bedroom chamber of the George Square Secret Bunker.


Others News

In other news, the Labour Party has launched the Westminster Parliamentary campaign for the Angus seat with a new video and a search for a new candidate.


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