Highland power cut was a warning strike from space, claims MoD
By Miss Terskot, our Space Correspondent
A massive power outage which affected over 250,000 properties across the Highlands & Islands was the result of a warning shot from space aliens, claims the Ministry of Defence.
A spokeswoman for energy company SSE told BBC Scotlandshire that the cause was 'out of this world' and that it was still investigating the power failure, which struck late on Wednesday.
However, the UK Secretary of State for extermination of defenceless (but oil-rich) brown people, Philip Hammond MP, has claimed the power cut was a warning shot fired from outer space.
Mr Hammond told reporters at a hastily arranged press conference in Jodrell Bank observatory, “As I warned people on my wholly positive trip to Scotlandshire last week, Scots face extreme peril from a vast multitude of sources, the most dangerous of which is unprovoked attack from space.
“A separate Scotlandshire would have no means of protecting its citizens from the effects of alien space weapons. Only the broad shoulders of the UK state can protect us from such devastating technologies.
“This power outage was a warning from the forces of space darkness that separation will lead to the annihilation of all Scots by phaser fire and photon torpedoes.
"A vote for separation will leave Scotlandshire alone and friendless in a hostile universe. As I have pointed out before, leaving the UK would mean leaving the United Federation of planets."
The SSE spokeswoman said: “A blackout like this is extremely rare. Our network transmission is 99.9 per cent reliable. This is highly unusual, given the scale of the area. Our engineers have not heard of such an outage in recent times.”
A range of scenarios is being examined, including vandalism, a lightning strike and a flock of birds hitting a line. The SSE spokeswoman said she could not rule out an attack by space monsters but that this would not be her initial assumption.
Head of U-KOK Blare McDonut told this reporter, “This demonstrates the folly of Alicsammin's separation plans. If Scotlandshire votes to break up the UK, we will all be speaking Klingon a few weeks later.
"The No campaign is extremely keen on excluding aliens of all sorts from the UK. Everyone knows that becoming an alien is almost as dreadful as becoming a foreigner. And, make no mistake, both fates await you if you vote for separation."
Responding to Mr McDonut's intervention, Holyrood education minister Alisdair Allan MSP said, “As the minister responsible for Scotland's languages, I can assure you that his is just another idiotic scare story from Project Fear. Klingon isn't even a real language, PeDoghQo'1.”
A Spokeskiller for the Ministry of Defence commented that one of the space threats referred to by Mr Hammond was a system of huge orbiting metal rods which were launched into orbit by the USA in the 1960s.
The heavy rods can be directed to enter the atmosphere and crash into targets on the earth's surface, causing huge devastation, and could be targeted at Holyrood at a minute's notice.
However, the BBC understands that Alec Salmond's personal army of cybernats, which includes a large number of software engineers and security specialists, already have highly-developed plans to take over this geriatric weapon system after independence.
They intend to seize control of the US satelites using the steel rods as 'space cabers' with which they will threaten anyone who stands in the way of the newly independent country.
Jelly belly
Meanwhile, in other news, Prime Minister David Cameron was stung by a jellyfish after ignoring advice to avoid swimming in the cnidarian-infested sea.
“I stopped listening to my advisors after that nob-end Alistair Darling told me it would be a good idea to rule out a currency union with an independent Scotlandshire”, he said.
"It was just horrible, absolutely awful - feeling my skin touch that creepy, slimy, spineless thing – I can't imagine anything more unpleasant!", the jellyfish later told reporters.
1 Don't be stupid.
And now, for your viewing pleasure, we offer a selection of brave gelatinous zooplanktonic aquatic heroes.
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