SNP promise Super-Beer and Uber-Boobs

By Boyz Maggs, Our Booze and Tits Correspondent

boozeAs we approach the September referendum date, the debate between the pro-UK parties and the splittist alliance has intensified.

Buoyed by their recent increase in the polls (mainly due to evil cybernats commissioning, designing and being the survey sample for the allegedly splittist alliance controlled PlankBottom polling company), the Nats have pulled out their big guns and launched an appeal to entice the drink sozzled, bleary eyed inhabitants of Scotlandshire to vote ‘Yes’ to tearing the UK to pieces and making everyone in England foreign.

In a move that was initially written off as “mad as a box of frogs” by ‘Better Together’ analysts, the splittist alliance released a graphic showing how Scotlandshire could have an economy equivalent to Norway, Denmark or Sweden; with a comparison of the cost of beer.

Speaking of the graphic, U-KOK head honcho Bliar MacDonut said:

“At first we thought it was a joke, I mean who wants to pay 226% more for a pint? It was madness, everyone knows that Scots are drink hardened alcoholics with a propensity for alcohol fuelled violence, why would anyone take away their god given right to get rat-arsed on £30 quid? Everyone knows that you can knock back 10 pints for £30 quid and only a mad-man would change that”.

Before going onto add, “Our joy at such a muck up by the splittists was short lived as it soon became apparent after further analysis that if you asked for a pint in these foreign madhouses you got a glass of beer that was 5 times the size. The shock analysis revealed that 10 pints out of a £6.78 five pint stein would set you back only £13.56 – a saving calculated by Jackie Baillie to be £865!

“Clearly we were rattled by this game changer – with myself even considering switching sides it was such a strong and positive message! So I tweeted the image and let the troops know how much of a #gamechanger it was.

“We simply cannot have the ‘Yes’ lot getting away with offering such incredible value and must respond. To that end we have launched our "Lets drink Bitter Together" campaign. Which is to be modelled on the traditions of warm beer, English pubs, Cricket and Morris Dancing.

“We have today unveiled our ‘pub guide to the UK economy after the splittist defeat’ and hope that this will move the ball back into our court and move the momentum away from ‘Alkies for Yes’.

The document is a significant contribution to the debate, covering as it does BOTH sides of a beermat – a significant improvement on previous policy announcements. Written by Iain Gray it provides a blueprint to reduce the cost of alcohol to Cambodian levels. Speaking of the proposals Mr. Gray said, “I have seen the killing fields and I’ll tell you something… the price of a beer is only £0.15 there. What sort of future is Fat Dictator Eck thinking of with beer at £6.78 for a 5 pint stein? Clearly a bright new Cambodian future for Scotlandshire is the way to go – 5 pints for £0.75 – now that’s the sort of value that the splittists can’t match and all we have to do is wreck the economy – we KNOW how to do that!”

In the five point plan the document sets out in detail how austerity & cuts, tax avoidance, elitism, lack of investment and syphoning off of oil revenues will inevitably lead to third world conditions throughout Scotland. It then outlines how the cost of living will fall dramatically resulting in the price of beer plummeting to Cambodian levels.

Responding to the claims of ‘Lets Drink Bitter Together’, counter organization ‘Alkies for Yes’ said, "Are you mad? There’s no way that remaining dependent and becoming a northern European Cambodia or Vietnam will lead to cheaper booze! Everyone knows the cheapest booze on earth is the stuff you steal.

“You will also be aware that as nationalists we are also proud of our rich Scotlandshire history, a history that includes the Border Reivers. Clearly post yes, we will be re-establishing historical practices.

“If there’s a yes vote, Scotlandshire plan to send reivers over the border to raid northern England for booze, and women, and cattle, and sheep, and not necessarily in that order..."

braIn a further twist to the tale, it has also emerged that research conducted by the British Organisation of Oblectation of Breasts (B.O.O.B) has found that if Scotlandshire breaks away the average breast size in the rUK will fall while the 'separatists' will see a dramatic improvement in the global rankings.

U-KOK was initially rigid from the news, but became more flacid as the day progressed, preferring to point out that “no comparative study of boob size Vs fatties had been carried out” and “anyway, were all these bras being bought by women or just morbidly obese men”.

Defending their research, Dr Mam Arie of the Paris School of Lingerie said, “Of course these are women, and very beautiful and busty women at that! Clearly these U-KOK types are not happy at the possibility of Uber-Boobs in an independent Scotland! Once the drag factor of southern-skinny-no-tits is removed from these Scottish beauties we will see a significant jump in the boob rankings.”

However Bliar MacDonut was on hand to counter: "All this talk of Super-Beer and Uber-Boobs is nothing but a distraction away from the very real problems of splittism. The positive case for the Union will be our blurry focus in the next stage of the campaign. Our beer goggles are now firmly deployed to defend the Empire.

“I urge all U-KOK supporters not to wake up on the 19th September with the last hangover you'll ever be able to afford, thinking you should have done more to secure a NO vote!"


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