By Dick Sarbest, Our Equal Opportunities (for Upper Class, Public School, Men) Correspondent

John Knox wrote "The First Blast of the Trumpet against the Monstrous Regiment of Women" in 1558, rightly condemning the intervention of women in the political world.

The issue has had a low profile during the debate on splittism, as polls showed that the majority of those in the population, who lack the critical appendage for the exercise of power, were content to remain dependent.

That changed dramatically with the last two opinion polls showing a cataclysmic increase in the percentage of such people (aka women) who are prepared to abandon dependency in the ludicrous hope that their lives would be improved.

U-KOK head Alastair Darling addressed the problem directly in an extensive speech on BBC London, given in the respectful presence of former interviewer Andrew Marr.

Indicating his close understanding of the common man, Mr Darling told how monstering was still relevant in the 21st century.

Using the words of the British playwright, Shakespeare (an appropriate term for our cause!) Darling quoted Coriolanus, "I had rather have one scratch my head i' the sun, when the alarum were struck than idly sit to hear my nothings monster'd."

Professor of Drama at Auchenshoogle University, Lavinia Titts, commented, "That was a strange thing for Darling to say. The verb 'monstered' actually means 'made unnaturally large', not 'turned into a ravenous beast'. To translate Darling's quotation into modern English means that he actually said that he'd 'rather wake up from a snooze in the sunshine, and scratch himself, than find that his penis had become larger'.

"For him to suggest that such a circumstance meant that it would have become a horrendous beast, destined to terrify the populace may say something about his capacity for self-deception - though to describe it as a 'nothing' may be accurate. I couldn't possibly comment."

Scotland's iconic "monster", Nessie, objected to the use of 'monster' as a derogatory term, rather than a description of those whose BMI was greater than the average.

"I'm often called a monster because I'm a bit big", she said, "but it's just a glandular problem.

"If I'm to be treated as a deranged creature, wreaking havoc on the world for my own twisted purposes, because of my medical condition, then you might say the same of Jackie Baillie.

"Fu*k it. That was a shite example."

Chairchoob of the Scottish Select Committee for Converting Undecideds to No & a Tory Scotlandshire, Ian Davidson, said, "Darling's wurds hae bin ta'en oot o' context. Some o' thae burds imagine they kin chainge hoo fowk think  - BY LISTENIN' TAE THEM! Daft bitches."

There is, of course, a marginal threat to the Empire if these women do a Lysistrata against loyal men.

Sources have even told us that some of them are stealing some of the housekeeping money that their husbands generously give them back from their earnings to fund a subversive organisation called "Women For Independence".

We urge all men to watch the household accounts carefully until 11:59pm on Tuesday 15th April. Ensure that not a single penny goes to their pitiful attempts to squander funds.

On no account, should you allow your wives, daughters or female servants to even know that they could GO TO THIS WEBSITE, because, if they do, they might give your money to this disreputable cause.

As part of our Public Service obligation we bring you this important information film - Women : Know Your Limits! Please spread it widely.

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