By Booman Bust, Our Glasgow Labour Correspondent

Glasgow Loyalist leader, Gordon Matheson, has threatened to destroy the city by planting explosive smoked sausages in buildings throughout the city, if he is thwarted in his bid to keep the city as a London suburb.

The message will be sent throughout the world as part of the opening ceremony for the Commonwealth Games (unless it's raining too hard, or it's a bit windy).

In response to considerable criticism of the proposal, to set explosive charges in various city buildings, then detonate them to celebrate the Games opening, Councillor Matheson said that it was a "brave" decision.

"We in UKOK have listened to the views of the people as expressed in opinion polls. It seems that they have been impressed by 'Braveheart' ideas, and are more willing to take the risk of giving up their security blanket.

"Consequently, we have decided to demonstrate just what risk means. We don't need English Unionists to bomb our cities, us Scottish Unionists can do the job ourselves! To all those thinking of voting to split Glasgow from London I say, 'Are you sure my explosive sausage isn't in some car park where you thought your vehicle was safe? Are you sure it isn't doon the dunny in your tenement? You can have your moment of fame, as we blow you up on world-wide TV!

"To foreigners we say, 'Don't think of Scotlandshire as some Highland idyll. It's full of mad buggers who'd put you at serious risk if you were daft enough to come here - just ask all those foreigners in the Red Road block we say we're leaving alone. They'll soon find out that Scotlandshire is a fu*king dangerous place to come - so avoid the Games, the Homecoming, the Ryder Cup. Stay at home in Kabul where you are safer."

A spokescretin for UKIP, the new lead party to keep Scotlandshire as part of England, gobbled, "We are delighted to welcome the sausage to our campaign to keep the Empire. Some people criticised our decision to honestly describe the splittists as CyberNazis. No one should question that our members know more about Nazism than any other political group in the UK. We truly understand the need to keep inferior races in their proper place. Should they refuse to accept the benefits of benevolent rule, the consequences would be entirely their own fault."

Leaderene of the "Possibly more Devolutionary than Labour, FFS, Party", Ruthie Baby, applauded Matheson's decision. "In the Tory Party. we practise what we preach about bringing down the House about our head. Maria Miller is the perfect example of the London Tory rule that so benefits London Tories. For a short-term illegal profit, she was happy to bring about the total destruction of the party, the country and decency.

"Götterdämmerung is such a British idea!"

I caught up with Lib-Dem leader, Wee Willie Rennie, in Bo'ness where he was sprinting down the street after, apparently, helping to respray a friend's car. Wiping the paint off his fingers, he condemned the idea as "vandalism".

"There's too much of that kind of thing these days", he said, "and it's all the fault of the Natz. They even vandalise their own posters!"

A scriptwriter for Johann LaMont hastened to point out that the decision to blow up big buildings in Glasgow had been agreed by Alicsammin, dictator of Scotlandshire.

However, a "gone native" Civil Service source said that Alecsammin had been distracted during that part of the discussion, when he spotted a spare Caramel Wafer on the table.

"It was either that, he thought the plan was to blow up the City Chambers. or he needed to pick the Grand National winner, and get his bet on before flying off to the USA.

"Jammy bugger had the whole referendum budget on Pineau De Re at 25/1."

Update

Unfortunately Bliar MacDonut had placed all the UKOK funds on "Battleground".

Update 2

BBC Scotlandshire considers this satirical attempt(by a bunch of foreigners at the Daily Mash) to be "funny" about the destruction of Glasgow to be wholly reprehensible - Glasgow to be destroyed at games closing ceremony

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Herald : Commonwealth Games ceremony set to be explosive as Glasgow's Red Road flats are demolished live

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