By Love Lee Bunee, our Niceness Correspondent.

Representatives from across political parties and civic Scotland will be invited to work nicely together with the Scottish Government if there is a yes vote in the 2014 referendum, Deputy First Minister Nicola Sturgeon has said in a lovely speech on the case for independence.

In the speech at Strathclyde University, the Deputy First Minister also stressed that bringing powers home was essential to building a more cuddly and socially nice nation.

Ms Sturgeon said:

"Once the people of Scotland have chosen to become an independent nation again, we expect that each of the three members of the NO! coalition, the Tories, Labour and the now-defunct LibDems, will get on board and help us negotiate the best possible deal for a nice free Scotland.

"Each of the 'Bitter Together' partners makes their own contribution to the NO! Campaign", conceded Ms Sturgeon, "Labour brought the bitterness, as ably exemplified by Johann and Mags, while the coalition parties brought the togetherness. In fact they are so together that one of them has now disappeared up the other one's bottom-hole. He he.

"The minor partners, like the Orange Order, the SDL and the Ulster unionists, who are all on the provisional "No Surrender" wing of the No campaign, may not wish to be part of team Scotland after they have been stuffed in the referendum. But I am sure the others, better known as "Three Naws sittin on a wa", will put all partisan thoughts to one side and join in the general indie niceness.

"We cannot hope to make Scotland into the nice place that nice people all want it to be, unless everyone is nice to everyone else. We are already half way to achieving universal niceness, thanks to that nice Donald Dewar, and will soon become the sixth nicest country in the world, once we dump that nasty one to the South.

"If there is a yes vote for independence, then let me make it clear - the Scottish Government will invite representatives of the other political parties and of civic Scotland to the big celebration party, where we will try our hardest not to rub their noses right in it.

"We will have had our debate and taken our decision. But when the people have spoken, we will emerge from it as the head honchos, the big cheeses, the outright winners, the mighty Bravehearts."

A strikingly-eyebrowed spokesmonger for the 'Better NO!' Campaign said:

"We do not believe that the people of Scotland would be foolish enough to vote for this separation guff, and so we have no plans whatsoever for what we will do if there is a Yes vote. Because there won't be one. It isn't going to happen. Not ever. NA NA NA NA NA, I'M NOT LISTENING!

By the way, has anyone seen a cat?"

Labour's Ian Davidson MP, chairchoob of the Scottish Affairs committee for Labour Owned Non-Democratic Organisation for Negating Everything Real in Scotland, grunted:

"F—k that fur a laff! If they separatist bastirts manage tae get aw thon Jockstraps tae vote Aye, ah ken fine whit side ay the fence ah'm gonnae be oan – and it's no their's fur a start!

"Ah'm gonnay be the man they're nugoti... negottat... fightin' wae tae decide whae gits whit, an ah'll be tryin tae haud oantae everything ah can fur Muthir Ingerlund!

Now, f--k aff, Hen, before ye git a doin'!"

Supposed leader of Labour's Scotlandshire branch Johann 'Ruthie' Lamont was unavailable for comment as she was practicing being nice and, frankly, getting nowhere.

Related Articles

Comments

Due to the huge number of complaints, comments are no longer banned on BBC Scotlandshire News pages.

Comments or no comments, it's still OUR job to tell YOU what to think - NOT the other way around.