By Neil Prostrate, our Royal Correspondent

The people of Cambridge, at both private and public level mounted demonstrations against the failure of their Duchess to produce an heir to the throne of England, amidst suspicions that her ovulation is under the direct control of the UK Government.

Reflecting the public's desire for a new royal baby, one admirer gave the duke - an RAF search-and-rescue pilot - a baby's romper suit, emblazoned with a picture of a helicopter and the words "Daddy's little co-pilot".

The pair also met children at Manor School, where the duchess was forced to admire papier-mâché models of babies made by the children.

A teacher at the school, who was unwilling to be named, explained, "I know it was a bit cruel to Kate, who is obviously desperate for children, but it's part of a campaign to get her to defy Government instructions to avoid falling pregnant until early 2014, so that the birth comes at the same time as the Scottish referendum.

"England needs an heir now, in case William suffers an unfortunate helicopter accident, given the Government's crap record in providing decent equipment to our forces. Have you seen the speed at which these rotor blades spin? Imagine what they could do to the Royal Willie!"

A Palace spokesflunkey commented, "Royal reproductive organs have always been organs of state, used for political purposes, since that unfortunate incident depicted in Braveheart, where William Wallace got Queen Isabella up the duff.

"Of course, HM would like the Cambridges to get on with it, since she isn't too sure whether Harry is one of the family. But whit can ye dae? Eh? Like Edward I, we want to continue our benevolent rule over Scotlandshire."

No Campaign supremo, Alastair Darling responded, "On this particular issue, we at the Better Together campaign consider that the Cambridges are currently Better Apart in separate beds – until we tell them otherwise – no matter how much we detest separation in other contexts."

A spokesman for the Catholic Church in Scotland sang "Every sperm is sacred. Every sperm is great. If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate", then added, "Our view is quite clear. Married couples should say Yes! Yes! Yes! on every possible occasion, while we urge everyone else to say No."

Ian Davidson, Chairchoob of Scots Protecting England's Royal Marriages, ejaculated, "He should a gi'en her a richt seein' tae' by noo!"

Pretendy wee leader of Labour in Scotland, Johann Lamont, grunted "Chance wid be a fine thing!"

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