Scottish Labour Plan on Jobs

By Frazier Crane, our US Comedy Economics Correspondent

kenmacheteScottish Labour has announced a dramatic plan to increase the number of jobs in the Scottish economy.

Their 5 point plan consists of asking Tory Chancellor in Westminster, George Osborne if he would please do the following

  1. Create a £2 billion tax on bank bonuses to fund 100,000 jobs for young people - which they would be required to take up - and the Scottish Government to use some of the money to build 2,500 more affordable homes.

  2. Provide the cash for the Scottish government to bring forward its long-term investment projects, schools, roads and transport - to get people back to work and strengthen our economy for the future.

  3. Reversing January's damaging VAT rise now for a temporary period - a £450 boost for a couple with children - immediate help for our high streets and for struggling families and pensioners.

  4. A one year cut in VAT to 5% on home improvements, repairs and maintenance - to help homeowners and small businesses.

  5. A one year national insurance tax break for every small firm which takes on extra workers - helping small businesses to grow and create jobs.

Shadow Cabinet Secretary for Finance, Employment and Sustainable Growth, Ken Macintosh boasted, "This is a uniquely Scottish response to a uniquely Scottish problem. If we were in power at Holyrood, I'd be writing to my pal George to adopt these strategies across the UK.

"More importantly, I wouldn't just say 'please', I'd say 'pretty please'. There is no way that the English Tories, representing a mere 90% of the UK would be able to resist such a demand."

Asked whether he should be concentrating on matters that are actually within the remit of the Scottish Parliament, he responded, "Sod that for a laugh! We deliberately created a Scottish Parliament with minimal economic powers. How the hell could I actually do anything useful without Westminster approval?

"Look, I had the Record account of the IFS report read to me, and it's quite clear that Scotland will face 'stark choices' in 50 years time. I was surprised that Billy would still be in the frame for the Scotland manager job then, but that just demonstrates that Scotland is too wee, too poor and too stupid to run its own affairs. Scottish Labour is living proof of that."

A spokesperson for "Labour Voters for Indy" was asked to comment, did so, and in line with BBC/John Smith Bunker rules, his words are spoken by an actor.

"Ken Macintosh is actually one of us. His willingness to appear to be such a total tube, and come out with pronouncements which make the argument for independence, while destroying the SLab leadership from within, is the ultimate political martyrdom.

angus-macneil"Did you notice how he cleverly introduced the 'which they would be required to take up' bit in the section on jobs for young people – as if they are a bunch of lazy scroungers, who don't want a job? Classic."

Western Isles SNP MP Angus MacNeil, said, "I've already been caught once this week, responding to a spoof comment on Twitter. I'm not going to get caught again by believing that even Scottish Labour can be that stupid! You are that spoof site BBC Scotland, aren't you?"

Ian Davidson, Stool of the Parliamentary Association Redacting All Scots In Their Elocution, was overheard in a Commons Bar to say, "Dahling, its weally hawd to use the bawbawous Scots dialect in public uttewances. So much niceah heaw, to convewse pwopwly.

"Must go and pwactice the 'youse yins' voice that the plebs up theah pwefeah befoah I appeah on Newsnict . Cahn I give you a 'doin' latah?"


Related Articles


Comments

Due to the huge number of complaints, comments are no longer banned on BBC Scotlandshire News pages.

Comments or no comments, it's still OUR job to tell YOU what to think - NOT the other way around.

 
Our Other Biased Articles

complaint

What is all this Rubbish?

Click HERE to find out.