Healthcare firms face financial meltdown as Morphy visits hospital

By Lye N Kant, our Economics Editor

jesus-morphyShares in a number of key Scottish healthcare companies have experienced a sudden and rapid drop in share value, it has emerged today.

Five of the top six healthcare businesses in Scotlandshire have seen between 50% and 80% wiped off their market value in a few hours as traders dump their shares, leading to fears that massive job losses must surely follow.

The speed and depth of the losses is unprecedented in modern times, worse than anything seen in the banking crash of 2007/8, and has left the business world mystified.

This reporter, however, has found what seems to be a credible explanation for the catastrophe – a visit by the Scottish Branch Manager of the UK Labour party to the Royal Alexandria Hospital in Paisley.

It appears that Creepy Jim Morphy today made a tour of the hospital with a couple of colleagues and a dedicated camera crew, which has been loaned to him indefinitely by that Spoof BBC on the other side of the Clyde.

Reports from the hospital staff suggest that, as Morphy et al scoured the casualty department in a desperate search for anyone who had waited more than half an hour, something quite amazing took place.

It's a Miracle!

As Morphy paused to speak with each patient in turn, asking them to tell the camera just how awful their experience in the RAH had been, each was suddenly and miraculously cured.

Patients with broken limbs were suddenly able to abandon their beds and walk home unaided, those cursed with ailments were made hale and the blind could see once more. Every patiend found themself unexpectedly in the pink magenta.

And word of this, reaching the BBC in London, had spread to The City - prompting an entire Wunch of Bankers to offload Scottish healthcare firms, and creating the current helthcare crisis.

Meanwhile, back in Paisley...

Within minutes, Morphy had cleared the waiting room of patients, inadvertently rendering his already risible claims of NHS crises even more ridiculous.

But, in the end, it mattered nought. Jim may have had his trademark dishonesty again exposed for all to see, but each could also see his other gift, the gift of miracle cures.

In what has become known scientifically as the Paisley pattern, Morphy had failed to turn the waiters into whines, but instead had spontaneously cured the sick and broken.

And as he walked round the hospital, many voices were raised in exhaltation, crying: "Jesus Christ, what is he doing here?"

Legs

One such, whose amputated legs had grown back just seconds before, was heard to say: "Truly this man is the son of Blair!"

Some of us, of course, have known this all along.

From a story suggestion by Alex Bell.


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