By John Poultice, The World's Only Polling Expert

No. Not that Ashcroft nonsense. Our Health Correspondent, Nurse Hellonearth Broadbrush, will shortly expose that it was fatally infected by the Natz virus while a patient in a filthy Nat run Lanarkshire hospital was answering the questions.

The really interesting poll was, of course, our massive poll of 2197. We asked "Scotland has 59 MPs. Once Murphy is anointed as SLab leader he promises to "stop Labour losing". How good will his promise be?"

Almost 50% of you (1084) astonishingly answered "Who is Murphy?" You bastirts!

We've given him top placement in every news broadcast, to highlight his daily policy reversals initiatives. We've filmed him in a Scotland top. We've even filmed him at Pittodrie playing keepie-uppie with Willie Young's balls! And STILL you don't know who he is!

It's almost as if people have stopped watching Scotlandshire's premier propaganda channel.

We were encouraged by the optimism of the 16% of you loyal Slabbers who answered "SLab will win 80 of the 59 seats". While this may be a little unlikely, you will shortly be receiving a personal letter from Jim, inviting you to join his Economic Planning Group.

The 19% of you who thought Jim would get "caught short" will be relieved to know that he has been fitted with catheters and long tubing, so that when he involuntarily relieves himself, the outflow can be easily recycled into his next speech.

The 16% (352) who said that "SLab will set a new record for a Scottish election" are undoubtedly correct. On that, at least, we can agree with Lord Ashcroft's poll.

The Natz are so devoid of new policy ideas that they're desperately asking everyone and anyone to help out with policy suggestions.

The Labour Party in Scotlandshire (L-PIS) already has their policy position in place: we're for the exact opposite of whatever the Natz are doing, except when we're not - this week.

This is the approach I have termed the Bain Anti Natz Principle OverTime Solution or BAM-POTS for short. All they need some help with is the presentation.

Please vote on our new poll where we help L-PIS choose the best slogan for their candidates.

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