By Hale NE Auldcrappe, our Unionist Film Uncritic

As The VOW II hits the screens this week, we speak to its star Gordon Brownlips.

Yesterday saw the release of Snakeoil Entertainment's new blockbuster, The VOW II – This time it's personal.

This is the sequel to last year's hugely successful The VOW starring Gordon Brownlips as the 5-to-Midnight Vowboy, Gordian.

Last year, The VOW grossed over 2 million votes at the box office and won the prestigious Facepalm d'Or award at the Cons film festival.

But, like so many sequels, The VOW II looks like it may be heading straight to TruBluRay under a new title, Austerity – the Deflector's cuts.

Netflix reports that the whole Vowboy genre is losing popularity as the market has recently become saturated with cliché'd low-budget knockoffs.

Pointless and dishonest

This sequel sees the reprise of Gordon Brownlips as Gordian alongside 'Creepy Jim' Morphy, previously tipped for the lead role, who is given a minor part as Brownlip's misshapen sidekick, Igor Tupleeze.

The VOW ended on a high note as maverick vow-wrangler Gordian shot up the town of Purdah to save the population, and the banks, from Shotgun Salmond and his bunch of deseperados.

The movie closed with a shot of Shotgun's body lying bloodied in the street as Gordian stands over him, one dusty boot planted on the outlaw's ample chest.

Not even a decent car chase

Sadly, as the sequel opens, everything has now gone wrong for Gordian.

Dastardly Landowner, Marshall Dave Cameron, has come to town and he is twisting Gordian's success to further his own EVEL plans.

And crazy gunslinger Slingback Sturgeon now leads Shotgun's old gang, She has turned it into an army of insturgents, bent on taking over every town in the county by chasing off their local sheriffs.

Meanwhile, Igor's feeble attempts to raise a posse against the Slingback mob have come to nothing and Gordian must step in again to win the day.

Low nipple count

However, from here on the plot is exactly the same as the previous film, providing nothing of interest for a further tedious and turgid 80 minutes.

Not even the Cyclopean presence of the hugely-experienced Brownlips can carry this off for the second time in four months.

Worse still, lacklustre and unconvincing acting from both Brownlips and Morphy, who appear to have phoned in their performances, make this film practically unwatchable.

In fact, were the BBC not contracted to show it nightly and unedited for the next three months, the sequel might never have made it off the cutting room floor.

Losing the plot

Critically, an absence of love interest lets the film down even further.

Johann La Mont reportedly refused to take part in the second film of the franchise, claiming artistic differences with the management.

Newcomer Kezia Dawgdale, fresh from her recent TV role as a cartoon deputy sheriff, does little to remedy this ommision.

Press release

I caught up with Gordon Brown during a publicity tour of pensioners' lunch clubs and asked him to summarise his part in the film.

“I play the role of an honest and respected former politician, who only has the people's best interests at heart. It was something of a stretch for me, to be honest, but I think I pulled it off.

“After the success of The VOW, the producers in London decided that this time they wanted to weaponise my character, turning him into the true 'Gordian of the Vow'.

“Unable to untangle the inconsistencies of the many promises he has been forced to make, Gordian vows instead to shoot from the hip joint, hoping if he fires off enough ammunition he must surely hit someone.

Not a Unionist

“Like his side-kick Igor, Gordian is proudly and recently Scottish. They both prefer to drink their Irn-Bru from a dirty glass while swearing about the English.

"But he's no simple Patriot, more a Patriot missile aimed straight at the heart of Slingback Sturgeon's gang of separatists.

“In The VOW, my character promised Home Rule, Devo Max and as much Federalism as you can have in a country where almost everyone's a Sassenach - that's how scottish he is.

“In The VOW II, he goes further and promises something 1000 times better than Home Rule, full Independence.

“Just my little joke. What he really offers is just the Tory's Strathclyde proposals under a slightly pinker cover, but my charisma and stage presence as an actor makes people believe it's actually something useful.

Bucket list

“Meanwhile, as I contemplate the final death-twitches of my moral compass, I'm hoping to coin it in with the next sequel which is due to be released later this year.

“This will be called: The VOW III – In the Lords, no-one can hear you scream. [ED: That's mainly because they're all asleep after a heavy (and heavily subsidised) lunch.]

“In this third film, I get to revise back out any powers I was forced to offer in the first two films, ensuring nothing damaging to the the State is allowed to actually pass into statute. That's what the upper house of for.

“After all”, he quipped in his native tongue, with a sinister attempt at a grin, “we canna have those Seps 'ermine' the status quo, can we? Ha. Ha.”

Tickets are available from Ticketmaster for £24 each (plus £75 booking fee), or free with most daily newspapers sold in Scotlandshire.

---

Related Articles

The Daily Retread : The Vow Plus: Gordon Brown outlines Labour's four-point plan to deliver more home rule for Scotland

Herald Scotlandshire : Gordon Brown: Scottish Labour's secret weapon in general election

The Twitosphere : #VowMovieTitles

---

Comments

Due to the huge number of complaints, comments are no longer banned on BBC Scotlandshire News pages.