By Jobe E Purge, Our Super Gastroeconomic correspondent

The SNP has been dealt yet another fatal blow to their long-term plan for independence as Tesco announces thousands of jobs will go across the whole country. Scottish Labour has claimed the doom-laden predictions made before the separation referendum have come to fruition at the mere hint of a possible re-run.

Jim Morphy MP, pro-tem manager of the Labour Party's Scotlandshire branch office, has called on Nicola Sturgeon to abandon her “sneaking about to gain separation through the back door" and to “start governing Scotlandshire for all true Scots patriots ”.

Earlier this week, supermarket giant Tesco announced thousands of jobs were to be lost throughout the UK. Over 300 jobs will be lost at four Scotlandshire stores as part of this restructuring plan. The store closure in Kirkcaldy, with the loss of 180 jobs, has been the most controversial and featured prominently in the global news this week.

A Tesco value range spokesman commented: “Business financial restructuring and the rise of smaller independent supermarkets has unfortunately forced Tesco into this store closure programme.”

A Scottish Government insider told BBC Scotlandshire that the delay in responding to this fresh UK crisis was caused by the First Minster and her cabinet still being a little hungover.

The insider commented: “The SNP politicians had a massive celebration this week when both Andy Murray got to the final of the tennis and then cherry on the top time, Joan McAlpine finally managed to talk Fergus Ewing into a fracking moratorium. They’d have sobered up by now if Deputy Kezia Dawgdale hadn’t turned up with a funny tasting bottle of Pimms.”

Former politician and MP for Kirkcaldy and Cowdenbeath has reluctantly come out of self-imposed seclusion to intervene. As is the luck of Gordon Brown MP, he just happened to be shopping with his family in the Kirkcaldy store when this announcement was first made earlier this week.

Mr Brown commented: “I don’t normally intervene in my old constituency since I retired from politics but I was ambushed by the Kirkcaldy Tesco store staff just as the news of the job losses filtered through.

“Never one to back down from a fight - well apart from that wee one-off Westminster election I failed to call then regretted - I vow to save this Tesco store from closure.

“Other options involving community ownership will be explored even if my proposal to save the union of Tesco and the Post Office at this location is rejected.

“I will deliver as near as possible to store rule for the people of Kirkcaldy and rid this town of Boom and Bust once and for all.”

It is unclear why the local independent music store called “Boom and Bust” has come under attack by the former Prime Minster.

Protesters took to the streets of Kirkcaldy this morning to demonstrate against the closure of the store. They were joined by the Scottish Labour Party and the Westminster Labour Party in apparent competing campaigns.

Gordon Brown was inside the store reassuring staff and customers that he would be “The Guardian of the Tesco Vow” and it would be delivered by Westminster Labour or he’d need to get very angry before resuming retired life.

Meanwhile, outside the store Jim Morphy MP was joined by a group of careerist Scottish Labour politicians and a cute donkey, resplendent in red rosette. They were passing out P45s and JSA claim forms to distraught Tesco employees and supplying loyal Tesco customers with directions to the local ALDI and LIDL stores.

Mr Morphy commented: “Look, it’s really quite simple. The Tesco board has voted and the people of Kirkcaldy just have to accept the democratic will of bankers, unelected nobles and their betters in the world of business. It is time to move on.

“Scottish Labour is here to reunite the whole of the town around the plan for the expansion of Job Centre Plus and to welcome the new street signs directing customers to the local ALDI and LIDL.

Mr Morphy appeared to criticise the independent campaign launched by Gordon Brown.

Commenting, Mr Morphy sneered: “Gordon is a great man, a true Labour figurehead and one of the finest Prime Ministers this country has ever had, but his Westminster Labour Party policy agenda just isn’t the correct one for Kirkcaldy or indeed Scotlandshire. Only the true patriotic Scots of Scottish Labour in Scotlandshire have the answers here and I’m speaking on their behalf today.”

One pensioner onlooker intervened to point out the signs failed to give direction to the many alternative supermarkets in the town.

Without the slightest show of anger at this unwarranted dissension in the ranks Mr Morphy put the cap back on his Irn Bru bottle then rapidly responded: “Mate! This is austerity Britain – get used to it.”

Known rabble rouser and Kirkcaldy splittist MSP David Torrance was accidently kicked by the donkey while attempting to join the protest. He was rushed by ambulance to the Victoria Hospital Accident and Emergency department where he’ll no doubt still be waiting to be seen.

BBC Scotlandshire has dispatched our health correspondent Hellanor Broadfudd to misreport on Mr Torrance’s condition and treatment.

Meanwhile, SNP parliamentary candidate Roger Mullinitover said: "Last week Morphy was promising Homebase rule, and now he's closing supermarkets. It's time we found CreepyJim a suitable out-of-town position."

It is believed newly elected SNP councillor Marie Penman has already made enquiries to turn the Tesco store into a YES Kirkcaldy Megaemporium.

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