By Arya Fish, our Weathergirl

In a shock new response to the elements, First Minister Nicola Sturgeon announced today that Scotlandshire will be closed for the foreseeable future, until people can leave their homes without fear of black ice and slush.

"We are unwilling to risk the lives of ordinary Scots in this dangerous weather and so will be closing the country, including all public services, schools and Greggs." Sturgeon continued: "As a progressive country, it is important, nay paramount, that we respect the will of mother nature, and encourage a social democratic response to the snow."

The SNP's position on the snow has been slammed by Labour leader Jim Morphy, who claims they are finding excuses for their inefficiencies. "It's laughable really. I am still out and about in my old housing estate in Glasgow, having a game of fives with some old friends." Jim's friends were apparently home having their tea at that point, and were not available for comment. "They are making mountains out of molehills, and we need a moratorium to close down this close down" said a forlorn Jim, who had been doing keepy-uppies on the pitch for several days, according to local residents.

Co-convener of the Scottish Greens, Cllr Maggie Chapman, welcomed the SNPs radical new stance, though lamented the tardy response. "This has been on the Green agenda from the beginning. We are happy that the SNP are choosing to align themselves more and more with our policies, but would appreciate it if they gave us a nod here and there for how much credit they're taking for nicking our ideas. Seriously, Nicola, throw us a bone."

Showing international solidarity in the fight against snow, Governor of Boston, Charlie Baker spoke to the BBC from his office, in which he has been encased in a three-feet deep cocoon of snow for the past few days. "Desperate times call for desperate measures, and snow is no different.

I also feel strongly about protecting the people of Boston through the severity of our storms, and am not afraid of shutting down the city in order to protect them — how many feet deep was the snow in Edinburgh?"

According to leader of the Scottish Conservatives, Ruth Davidson, this move is yet more evidence of the frivolity of #Indyref. "This is exactly the sort of situation an independent Scotlandshire would not be able to deal with. Voters can rest assured that if there had been a Yes vote in September, the situation would be much more grave, and the snow much more heavy." Addressing the first minister, she continued "I hope Nicola sees this as a lesson that the politicians in Holyrood do not have what it takes to deal effectively with snow".

Commenting from Downing Street, Cameron sympathised with the Scots, "Jolly good play from those Northerners. So did Nicola replace Ygritte? And is Jon Snow still battering away up there? Always good for a laugh, are the Scots."

The debate continues.

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