By Ayeov A Niedel, our Shameless Sectarian Card Correspondent

In his latest and most astonishing policy U-turn, Labour's Branch Manager in Scotlandshire, Jim Morphy MP, has announced his intention to donate all his worldly goods to the poor of Glasgow.

The MP, previously infamous for his hallmark acquisitiveness, will donate millions of pounds he has amassed since becoming a Labour MP to a number of local charities, in what will be seen by many as the political reversal of the century.

Mr Morphy told the BBC; “It was while I was posing for a photo-op in an Edinburgh foodbank last week that I had a Damascene moment - a unique flash of self-awareness, if you will - and it changed me forever.

“It suddenly hit me like an ostrich egg.”, he said, “There I was, holding a can of beans and smiling idiotically for the cameras, in a place where the unemployed are forced to work for nothing delivering free food to the working poor who can't afford to feed their families.

"And it's all my fault.

“Half a century of Labour dominating Scottish politics, and more than a decade in charge of UK governance, had led to this. Not to mention our eager acceptance of Tory austerity and poor-bashing ever since.

"Mea culpa! Mea maxima culpa!

“So, in that moment, I decided the only moral response was to give my worldly goods to the poor and try to make what amends I could. No longer would I try to walk in the footsteps of the Blessed Tony Blair.

And I started straight away by walking round the corner and returning my Irn Bru crates to a newsagent's in the Grassmarket.

“The Party has been extremely good to me. My star may now have fallen in Westminster, and my arse kicked back to Scotlandshire, but I have still been coining it in.

“Between my lavish expense claims, generous bungs from CIA-backed pressure groups and all manner of nice little earners, I have been very well rewarded for my efforts on behalf of Neo Labour.

“Now I am going to give it all away to the very people I should have been helping all along.

“And you know what? It feels great!”

Along with his many possessions and the contents of his bank accounts, both domestic and abroad, Mr Morphy is looking for someone to take on very special little friend of his.

“I am looking for a new home for Deputy Dawgdale”, he told this reporter, with a little tear in his eye.

“She has never really settled in Holyrood and is looking more and more unhappy there every week. So I would like to place her with a good family, where I am sure she will make a lovely pet.

“I would love to keep her, but some of the other dogs are being mean to her and it just wouldn't be fair.

“Look at those big brown eyes and that sad face. Check out the patriotic pus on her and the wee tartan collar. Surely someone will give her a new home.

“I'll even throw in her 'wee Wullie Rennie' play toy and a cassette tape of MSP desk-banging to keep her amused.”

A spokesceptic for the SNP-led government, said; "Aye right. Creepy Jim must think we all sailed up the Clyde on a water biscuit."

Related Articles

Labour List : Jim Murphy confirms: I will run again in May's Westminster election

Comments

Due to the huge number of complaints, comments are no longer banned on BBC Scotlandshire News pages.